Jae

BLU ...

2008-01-13T08:29:00.000+08:00

BLU

That's the acronym for Borderless Learning and it has been such a thrilling ride. At times I wonder who's doing the real learning because in every station I've participated in, I've learnt something.

Every BLU lesson is based heavily on activities. Each session is about one and half hour and you find the students engaging themselves in some form of activities for at least half an hour or even an hour.

That means there's very little 'teacher talk'. It's all about the students discussing, experimenting, experiencing the lesson for themselves. I was looking at all the lessons and wondering why didn't my teachers used to do this with us?

Just to give an example, there was a station to highlight the scientific method used in collecting data to substantiate a hypothesis. The station was called Scientific Mentos. And what the students did was to actually conduct a super duper fun experiment using mentos on soft drinks.

For the unintiated, you can click here to go have a look.

So the students were supposed to find out whether different types of soft drinks, like normal sugar and diet soft drinks, have an effect on the height of the fountain created.

Just imagine 15-20 groups of students doing this along the drain. Of course it wasn't just all fun. They really measured how high the fountain was and it was not easy to conduct the experiment. Every step was important to the success of the experiment.

But you can sense the excitement in the kids and their enthusiasm. That was the trademark of BLU.

I'll have to admit I'm really proud of the students. I'm not exaggerating when I say they come up with very intelligent answers despite their age. I was at the back thinking to myself, "Would I have given that answer when I was 13?"

And I was extremely impressed and glad that some of my R6 were discussing the US Election with such enthusiasm and insight. It shows how much they read and how interested they are in the affairs of this world. That is important and one of the mark of an educated person.

All in all, SOTA's been cool and great so far. I hear my colleagues saying they couldn't wait to wake up and come to the school again the next day. And I hear the students saying that too. Hahaha. What a blast!

Different ...

2008-01-05T20:31:00.000+08:00

DIFFERENT

I cannot believe what I've gotten myself into. SOTA is a world of difference from JYSS. How different? Why different? To begin with, I can't even seem to take note of any similarity.

The school, being an independent school that's being run like an international school, has a totally different structure and system to JYSS. The staff are completely different. And all of them are such accomplished people in their fields.

And the students are from such a wide spectrum too. Not just academically but also in personality. And these are very talented kids who made it through a rigorous audition process that narrowed over 1000 kids to 240 of them.

And the timetable is so different. It's the 2nd week of school next week and proper lessons will only start in the 4th week. So what are we doing for the next 2 weeks? It's called Borderless Learning.

The whole idea is for the students to learn stuff that cannot be specifically narrowed to a single subject. That's probably the biggest theme of SOTA; inter-disciplinary approach. Students are expected to get used to understand that whatever they learn in class has input from other subjects. That is supposed to give them greater meaning in their learning.

Ok I have to admit I'm beginning to love the students and my class. Hahaha. I feel very blessed to be the Class Mentor for R6. I guess every teacher will be biased towards their own class but I really think R6 is going to be a super cool class with students who know how to be responsible too.

This is a real challenge. SOTA is tall mountain to climb. Just 3 days of school and I'm already feeling the strain. For 3 nights consecutively, I came home with no more energy to do anything else.

Even though school only starts at 8am, I need to actually get up earlier since it takes longer for me to get to school. And I have to be in school early, before 7:30am to skip the jams and also to help set up for the school.

I'm loving it and yet feeling the effects of the challenge. And I totally salute all the heroes at SOTA for embarking on this journey. I believe only mad people would step out of their comfort zone and dive into the unknown. Then again, I learnt that MAD is not so bad after all cause it means Making A Difference!

The journey begins on Monday again! WHOOOSH!

Farewell ...

2008-01-01T09:27:00.000+08:00

FAREWELL

Sorry for not updating for such a long time. SO much has happened.

I wasn't sure if I should blog about the trip to Japan or about the farewell.

I guess Japan is really a cool place and it agrees with me since it's place where you can have your personal space and the society has been programmed to be considerate. I miss having the right side of the escalators clear for people to climb them if they need to. Everytime I take an escalator in Singapore, I just do not see it happening.

The SC threw me a great party on the 22nd Dec. I mean it wasn't the food or the activities but the people who made it so special. And finally the tears came.

I'm really going to miss Junyuan Student Council. The relationships you build with your kids, once established, are there forever. It's like family.
Really appreciate them for all the gifts. Thanks to the Alumni who came back and made it even more special. Dee was in a jungle girl suit. Hahaha! Totally cool.

Said farewell to the teachers in the most special way by conducting a workshop for them. I do think that at least most of them have a renewed passion to make a difference in their students' lives. I'm not sure about the takeaways from the workshop since I was trying to cramp so much knowledge into it.

I just hope that those things I've covered in the workshop will be a starting point. An impetus or catalyst for more self discovery. I still believe Junyuan has one of the best group of teachers around.

So it's from the frying pan into the fire as I embark on a new journey with SOTA. It's already so demanding that I can hardly breathe, not to mention the strong pungent smell of new paint in the new campus. Hahaha.

Can't wait to see my class tomorrow. Hee.

Black

2007-12-12T11:20:00.000+08:00

BLACK

Perhaps it's the winter season but the one common sight that greets me everyday in Tokyo are men in black coats or suits. These are the younger ones. The older men will be sporting brown, kaki or grey coats or suits.

And then you have the students in dark blue uniform. I mean their jacket or blazer is dark blue in colour and so are their pants and skirts. So in a sense winter is a time for dark colours.

Then again, the women are more fanciful. There are still a lot with black coats and jackets but you get to see the odd colours once in a while. I spotted a lady wearing a purple fur coat this morning.

Even at 10am, the subway was so packed! And for the 1st time since I've been here, I experienced a glitch in the metro system. My train stopped for almost 10min at a particular station.

I obviously didn't know what the driver was rambling about in Japanese but I figured it was some technical faults or such in front that caused the delay. Nothing is perfect yeah?

Oh and I've also noticed that there are some individuals who do not practice the civic consciousness I noted in my previous post. There were 2 passengers who quickly took a seat without even offering to give it up to an old lady who got in together with them.

And there was this guy who cut the queue on my way out of the station control. So I guess like in all societies, there will always be those who are more selfish and self centred.

Yet generally, Japan is quite a docile society where giving way and saying sorry is a common way of life. It's really much more courteous than Singapore. This morning, there was some construction work just infront of my hotel. The workers, who were acting as ushers and traffic controllers were so polite and directing me to the hotel.

Hahaha. I just don't see it happening in Singapore. Not to mention it wouldn't be Singaporeans doing the work but Indian, Blangadeshi or Thai workers doing it.

Tokyo

2007-12-11T13:18:00.000+08:00

TOKYO

For those anticipating to read my entries about Japan, I apologize for not blogging earlier. Haven't have the time and the internet connection to blog about my trip so far.

This is Day 4 in Tokyo and I've already had so much fun. Hmmm, perhaps fun is a too vague and seriously, it's not fun fun kind of fun. Geez, what am I saying?

The city is indeed an experience by itself. One thing that strikes me most is the subway culture. There are at least 8-12 priority seats for every carriage and the amazing thing is that you are not supposed to have your phones ringing near these priority seats.

I perceived the culture to be one of being civic conscious. My cousin, who happens to be working in Japan was lamenting how it was so different in Shanghai. To be honest, the trips are so quiet, you would actually suspect that Tokyo is a very sad city.

That's where the contrast comes in. The service staff here are AMAZING and FABULOUS. You will feel like some royalty when you walked into the shops. So my conclusion is people here keep to themselves like most Asian conservative societies. Yet when they are approached, they are usually courteous(so far so good).

My friend, Felicia is taking very good care of me and another couple. She arranged for us to visit this factory outlets near Mount Fuji. I'll say this, Mount Fuji is stunningly beautiful on a clear day. The tip of the mountain is just above the clouds and it gives you the sense of it being a place that transcends the bounds of mortal men.

Sigh this trip will burn such a big hole in my pocket. You wouldn't believe the amount I've spent on just buying things for myself and gifts for others. What did I buy for myself? It's all things I need for my job, sports apparel, shoes and such.

Things are definitely not cheap in Japan but there's this 100yen or 99 yen chain of shops. It's like Daiso but it's cheaper cause 100 yen is about S$1.31 - $1.35 based on current exchange rate.

One of the highlights for this trip so far was the dinner at this restaurant at Roppongi. It's called Gonpachi and a typical meal costs about $50 - $70 without alcohol. Yes it's expensive but the money is all worth it.

The decoration inside is fantastic. It's an authentic Japan Inn setup similar to the Chinese 'KeZhan'. We were sitting on the 2nd floor and I really had the feeling of wanting to be Jacky Chan and do some stunts in that place.

But it wasn't just the ambience and the decor that will shock you. The place sells charcoal grilled food among other Japanese cuisine like tempura and soba. Now you just imagine the typical BBQ food you have at chalets? Now imagine all those food cooked to PERFECTION where the outside is cooked to a delicious brown and the juices are locked inside the meat.

Every dish we ordered had that perfection. The tuna skewer was semi cooked with outside having the distinct taste of cooked tuna and the inside the sweet taste of raw tuna. It was divine! There was also this dish where they wrapped ham around asparagus and it was exquisite.

We couldn't stop raving about each dish that came to our table. I would suggest for everyone coming to Tokyo to try it. The price you pay for the taste of perfection is nothing.

Here are some pics for you to enjoy.

SOTA ...

2007-11-30T07:24:00.000+08:00

SOTA

So it's been confirmed. I signed the contract for my new school on Wednesday and yesterday, I faxed my resignation to MOE. It's a major move and it's really a new chapter in life. Somehow it's feeling like a breath of fresh air.

I really do not wish to see Mrs Oh. Because I know she's been feeling very sad. It's not just me. Several teachers are leaving Junyuan for their own reasons. And no, it's not because of her. And she is feeling sad because she knows she's losing good teachers.

What's more, she will need to make sure that all the teaching posts will be filled up for next year's classes. Tough job but she's always been a strong lady so I know she will survive.

Went Sentosa to recce for next year's Sec 1 HIA Camp. The place has really changed since I was there 2-3 years back. I guess it would really be a fun time for the Sec 1s next year.

It was so hot and after about 5 hours of walking around, we are understandably tired and exhausted. But it was a fun and hilarious time with Pam, Jas and Siti Afiqah. What can I say? The girls are just giggly.

When I was back in school, I had a surprise from Sabri, Fatin and Suhaimi. They gave me this M&M and jelly beans but the things that touched my heart most were the words they wrote in the card. The best line? 'Believe it or not, you make us (heart=love) Junyuan'

That sentence spoke volume to me. Sigh. I had to steel my heart and not be swayed by the choking emotions. Sab, Fatin and Suhaimi, thanks. I truly appreciate the chance given to me by 3 of you to be a part of your lives. I've always believed in you and your potential which probably explains you being in the Student Council.

Sab, Fatin & Suhaimi, thanks for giving your time and energy to the Council too. It's really been a great joy working with you 3 and seeing you grow up since sec 1.

Goodbyes are the worst and I don't like it at all. Sigh.

WIGU ...

2007-11-27T23:46:00.000+08:00

WIGU

I was involved in a children's musical on Sunday. WIGU stands for When I Grow Up. It was a fabulous experience and the performance was a great success. People kept asking why there was only one show and not more.

Yours truly wrote the script and directed a little. But I must say that the kids really rose to the occasion. The children involved in the musical ranges from 3-12 years old. Yes. 3 years old! No kidding.

Most of us were a little afraid that they might crumble in the presence of the audience but when the curtain drew and the music started, everyone was in their element! Everyone of them actually did so much better than what they did during the rehearsal. It was simply amazing.

Working with the bunch of 23 young actors was an enriching experience. I never had so much fun before. Yes there were times when I was frustrated and angry with their lack of focus but I love them to bits! I mean to do so well with only one month of preparation is simply amazing.

Most of them had no background or acting training but they shone nevertheless on Sunday at the Victoria Theatre.

The story was about a shy girl who doubted her abilities but went on a journey in a magical Dream Land to discover her inner strength and belief. Vevien Ong, who sang the song on my blog, played the character and she did so well.

Doing this gave the children the chance to live their dreams on stage, singing, dancing, acting and performing. But it made me believe in my dreams again. That's rare.

Japan ...

2007-11-24T08:50:00.000+08:00

JAPAN

Pauline, I'm not going to Japan anymore but yes I'm still leaving Junyuan. Things are happening so fast I barely have the chance to catch my breath. Anyway I'll be visiting Japan on holidays come the 8th December. Looking forward to a good break.

Everyday I edge closer to facing the truth that I'll be leaving my second home for the past 3 and half years. Actually I think I spent more time in school than at home. I meant waking hours of course.

My tears were welling up when I was in Mrs Oh office yesterday. And once again I pushed it down. This will not be easy.

I'm excited at a new chapter in my life. I do not think it will be easier. In fact, I will have my work cut out for me in the new school. There will be more to do, more to accomplish and more stress.

Yet I'm aware that to grow, I need to get out of my comfort zone and go with my heart. For a long time, I've not felt such a strong pull from and passion for something. And every step of the way, I've seen His hand in this.

For everyone in Junyuan, I'm sorry that I have to go. So many people are coming up to persuade me to stay and say how much I'll be missed. Sigh.

Anyway my time has not come yet. Here are some photos I promised. I especially love the last one! Hahaha. Farewell Junyuan Class'07!

BMW ...

2007-11-21T22:00:00.000+08:00

BMW

Actually the title is the theme of this year's Junyuan Prom Nite. It was black and white. I was thinking that it would be quite dull since there would only be black and white.

But lo and behold, the students came dressed with such class and finesse that the whole event was really glamourous. I think black and white is such a classy combination.

Marina Mandarin is a better place than Intercontinental because of the decor. But the ballroom was smaller and the whole place was quite dim.

As usual, took lot of pictures with different ones. If you were at the prom and you are reading this, can you send me those pictures? jyssjae@yahoo.com please.

I'll try to post a few soon.

Overall, I thought the event turned out pretty well. Mrs Macgrath did a fantastic job with the emceeing with Sham. Sleeq was there and they are really good singers with good showmanship. The girls were going gaga over them. Daniel and the dancers was fantastic as usual and Yuyao with Shafiq will always be a crowd pleaser with their beatboxing feat.

The people were crazy too and they really brought the house down at several junctures of the events. It was overall a good evening of looking fabulous and taking pictures with the people who have been with you for the past 4-5 years.

I refuse to go to that 'place' knowing that it will be my last Junyuan Prom Nite. It was as if I was trying to keep myself busy and smiling for the cameras so that I would not feel the waves of sadness washing me.

I was strong. The breakwaters in my soul did their job and halted the sea of tears that might have erupted. I just had to constantly tell myself to not go 'there'.

But I wonder how long I can hold the journey. I will reach 'there' soon. And when I do, I just hope that I wouldn't be too much of a mess.

Outing

2007-11-10T09:55:00.000+08:00

OUTING

Went to Vivocity with the SC Exco on Wednesday and it was such a wonderful trip. Oh well, I wished there was more time for us for lunch so we could go to some place wonderful but they were late so it was Burger King for us.

We went to catch The Game Plan after gobbling down our burgers. It was a funny ride. We were really laughing out loud throughout the movie. And I teared a few times too. I hope the councillors didn't notice. Hahaha. 'Stupid' is a mean word.

After that the fun really begins. We went to the playground situated at level 2 and some company was having these stuffed animals where you can actually ride them? And they are mobile. We initially thought they were only intended for kids under 12 or something?

So we sent out our favourite jockey Shuhada! Hahaha she took a giraffe and started on her journey! Hahaha! It was quite hilarious and no, actually adults can ride the big ones too.

Anyway Shuhada was also racing with some of the kids and the rest of the Exco were outside the barricade, cheering and laughing out loud. We felt like we were in the zoo. Hahaha.

After which, we saw the fountains next to the playground. We got our 'infamous' President to sit just above the jet of water and it really looked as if he was extremely 'powerful'. Go figure it out and imagine. I'm still waiting for the pic.

It was really a fun session. After which the whole gang went to Daiso to shop. I think we spent almost close to an hour in that place. I love them Excos!

For those who read my previous entry and think I'm in love or in a relationship, nah, it's not. At least it's over. Don't wish to talk too much about it.

I'm really at a crossroad. I do not know what the future holds. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of a bright light, other times I see the pitch darkness attempting to swallow me and most times it's myraid of different shades of grey.

*whispers* light.

Art ...

2007-11-03T23:38:00.000+08:00

ART

I was doing O level invigilation earlier this week and it happened to be the Art Paper. I'm always fascinated by the subject because it's so subjective and it never fail to amaze me how the same impetus can results in so many different interpretation.

And I must say that the students I saw were really very good. Their ability to create the 3D image from a flat painting was awesome. Some looked so good I wouldn't think twice about spending money on them.

It obviously help when they've got a great teacher. I could see her care, her concern and her relationship with the kids. And I saw how each of them apply the technique taught by the teacher in using the pastel crayons. I think.

And the their prep work was fantastic too. Each of them are supposed to submit 5 pieces of prep work that document their journey to end up with the exam piece. And some of them really put in a lot of hardwork.

I totally enjoyed that session even though it was a 3 hours paper.

Loving someone is really not easy. I cannot help but feel the tidal waves again. Maybe an early alert will prevent too much damage this time round.

Script ...

2007-10-28T10:12:00.000+08:00

SCRIPT

Writing for a children's production has been quite refreshing. It's been a long time since I wrote something so long and so complete. Writing a good story or script is a craft. And so is writing the lyrics.

The production is a musical and all the songs are original. I was asked to help the process by writing the lyrics for 3 songs. It was definitely not easy. Even though the music was beautifully written by a friend, it was difficult to say what you wish to say in so little words.

Once again, it's strange how music brings out the essence of the mood and the message. I wonder how does it even affect us. Is it in our DNA? Are we genetically engineered to allow music to stir our soul? Or is it something deeper than that?

In every culture in human civilization, music has a place. Every tribe has their songs, every language has their own genre of music. And mostly, it's always linked to the divine or the spiritual aspect of their lives.

I just hope and pray that it will be a stunning performance on the 25th November. Because 95% of the entire musical will be performed by children. I never fail to be amazed on what children can accomplish when they set their mind on it. Then again, isn't that true for everyone of us?

Bad ...

2007-10-23T03:18:00.000+08:00

BAD

It's moments like that that makes me feel absolutely lousy as a teacher.
I never profess to be right in everything but at least I can see my own fault. And I will not hesitate to apologize.

But it makes me wonder what I've been teaching the class when you can come to a lesson 10 minutes late. And not for the 1st, 2nd or 3rd time.

And it makes me wonder if the result would have been different if I've been less understanding, more strict and not treat everyone like a young adult but like a primary school kid.

Sometimes I wonder why do I even bother or care so much.

Hope ...

2007-10-21T11:17:00.000+08:00

HOPE

Let me start by making reference to the previous post. I'm not a clean freak. I mean how can I be a clean freak when my table is a disaster area? Hahaha!

I believe I'm more of a hygiene freak which is true. I wash my hands all the time. And almost frequently I think in the micro-organism level. I think about bacteria, viruses and how to protect myself from them.

I'll tell you that everytime I take a cab or the MRT, I'll constantly ask myself, "Did the previous person change his/her clothes before sitting in the seat?" I would think that maybe the person didn't shower or sat there after walking hours in the sweltering heat. That would mean that their perspiration, dried or otherwise is on the seat. Ok, I think I better stop here.

I just realize it's so difficult to hope. Especially for yourself. Hope is like a commodity that I cannot afford. It seemed too expensive even for me to possess. I probably can't even take a loan for it.

I just wonder if there's ever hope for me to get well, to do the things I like to do. I'm constantly reminded of my disease and the darkness that's eating me up. And everytime I sit down to try to hope, I end up with tears in my eyes because I cannot see the light.

Down in the well where the walls are so close to me and surrounding me, I look up and see an immense length of brickwall stretching up to the skies above. It's like a tunnel that never ends.

Like a dolphin caught in a fisherman's nets, the more I try to wiggle free, the more I get tangled in the nets. And before long, it's no longer possible for me to go to the surface to breathe.

And it's only then that I remember whenever I fall at His feet, my whole world fades away. All the bricks comes undone and falls away, all the nets unravel and disappears into the deep blue sea.

In that silent moment, when there's nothing but Him and me, I still find it hard to hope. Because I cannot find it in me to believe that I can come out of all these. I find it hard to believe that my life will still count for something. I find it hard to believe that I'll find acceptance.

But in that silent moment where nothing else exists, I enjoy the freedom from the well and the nets. That's good enough for me.

Lift ...

2007-10-17T22:36:00.000+08:00

LIFT

Another entry about some observation I had. But before I dive into the mad ramblings and weird deduction, may I know who was the ALEXXIS who left a comment 3 entries ago? Kindly identify yourself please? *Grin*

Recently, someone has been peeing in my lift. Oh well, there's a puddle of water in the lift and it does have a faint smell. The problem is that the floor of the lift is not exactly white, so it's hard to make out if it's urine since you wouldn't be able to make out the yellowish tinge.

However, how else would a puddle appear in the lift? I mean which is more probable? Someone bringing a bottle of mineral water and pouring it at one corner of the lift or someone peeing in the lift?

Deduction #1: I believe someone is indeed peeing in the lift.

Which I cannot understand. I stay on the 17th floor. That's the highest floor. Between the ground floor to the 17th floor, the time is barely enough for a couple of yawns. How can you find the time to unzip and pee 300-500ml of liquid and not be caught? Super fast pee? Peeing in a flash?

And I'm assuming it's a man. Wonder why we never think that a woman would do this? Maybe it's easier since there's no need to zip. But I guess the squating would give the game away immediately.

And the lift at my block has windows or glass panel so you can look inside. How does one pee without getting noticed and in the short time?

Deduction #2: The guy probably goes to a floor, press the button to keep the door open and pee. That way, as long as he's sure no one is coming to use the lift on that floor, he's safe. And he probably do this late in the night or in the mid afternoon where it's pretty quiet.

Now why would a person goes through so much trouble? I mean if he stays in my block, isn't he like a few steps away from his doorsteps once the lift reaches his floor? You mean to tell me he cannot control himself and has to ease himself just before he reaches his flat and toilet?

And what's the deal about urinating in the lift? The pee will probably splashed all over his pants or legs since it's a hard floor. Not to mention there's no water to wash your hands. Oh gosh! Can you imagine the person touching all his private area and then using the same fingers to press the lift buttons? Eeeewww!!!

And if he cannot control himself, he would have peed in his pants before even reaching the lift. It cannot be so coincidental that he NEEDS to pee everytime he's about to reach home.

Deduction #3: The man is probably not very sane. He could truly be mad or he could have lost his normal human capacity for rational thoughts due to the influence of alcohol, drugs or some other substances.

Deduction #4: If he's mad or under the influence of an abusive substance, he's certainly out to play a prank. So he might not even stay in the same block. Or even if he is, the question is not he NEEDS to go there and then. It's simply because he wants to do it to piss people off or simply cause he likes to use the 'public' toilet and does not even recognize it's socially wrong.

So someone posted a note in the lift to warn the prankster who has been peeing in the lift. Now this person was truly creative because he/she was able to post the note between the door of the lift and the door at each floor. How he/she get the note through the gap is anyone's guess.

He/she wasn't very polite and called the urinater names like B****** and even use the F word a couple of times. He/she sounded like a resident rather someone in authority. The note said that they have installed a hidden webcam in the lift. Now that I find strange.

For a webcam to work it needs two very important things. One, a power source and two, a transmitter. If the resident is someone in power, he/she could probably tapped into the power source of the lift and also attach a transmitter for the webcam to work. But I'm under the impression that a webcam needs an internet connection.

Can you imagine attaching a Starhub Cable Modem in the lift for that? Hahaha! Wireless at that too! Maybe it's a Hub Station.

But what's more pertinent or important is the fact that I do not think the person might even read the note.

I question the educational level of a person who might pee in the lift. The note was in English and perhaps the only words that the urinater will recognize would be the F words.

And if he's drunk or high on drugs or simply mad, would he even bother to read the note? And if he's truly insane, he might even welcome the thought of appearing in his own home video which shows him peeing happily in the lift. Hahaha!

Deduction #5: The note will not work. Despite the effort to put it the gap between the lift doors and the doors of each floor.

Morale of the story? Don't pee in the lift because you will get someone like me thinking endlessly and pondering the logic of each turn of event.
What's worse? Now I will use my keys to press the buttons of my lift or use a disposable plastic glove!
"Auntie, can you also wipe the buttons when you mop the pee? Thanks hor!"

Sweet ...

2007-10-16T00:51:00.000+08:00

SWEET

I just realized that Bubbly is such a sweet song. And I cannot believe the number of people asking me for the song. Hahaha! What can I say? I got great taste in music.

So everytime I come to my blog, I realized I can't blog about morbid or emo feelings. Was about to write a dark story when I visit my blog and it's just not the right music. Bubbly is indeed bubbly after all.

Music has strange but great powers. That's why a good soundtrack is so important to a great movie. The music or songs will enhance the emotions or the intensity of the moment. Music will greatly influence your mood and your thoughts. It can soothe an aching pain or cause a nation to rise in rebellion.

Ok ok ok bubbly. Lighter note. I was jogging last week and I came to this junction. You know how there's usually a zebra crossing before the junction? And then there's also a wide concrete pathway leading to the traffic lights after the zebra crossing?

I saw this group of snails, almost like a family of them, gathering near the pathway. This is not a joke. There were small tiny baby ones, some medium ones and of course the usual big ones. And they were there on the soil just next to the concrete pathway and it looked like they were waiting or hesitating to cross the great divide.

Yes to get to the other side. I can imagine that it must be pretty scary for them. Because, think about it. If we were to be like the snails, it would be like us trying to cross a road that's probably 20 lanes and full of zooming F1 racing cars going at 200mph.

I can imagine Papa Snail trying to get his family ready. It took hours just to get everyone just to the side of the concrete! And then he might be saying, "Ok the coast is clear. Wait! Wait! There's a boy on bicycle. Ok ok that's clear now, Let's go."

And as they take that 1st step even without their feet(metaphorically speaking) touching the ground, Papa Snail will go, "Wait! Wait! There's a jogger running past! Everyone back to the soil!"

And just imagine the mayhem when the whole family of 15 snails are on the concrete path? "Jonny, watch out for that cane the old man is ... JONNY! We just lost Jonny! Look at his crushed shell!" And the rest of the family will be painstakingly continuing in their journey across the great divide with tears in their eyes.

Yes. One day perhaps, if I ever get to do an animation film, I'll use the snail family. I think it would be fun.

Love ...

2007-10-08T00:18:00.000+08:00

LOVE

I was at the bus stop after school and I bumped in Jamie. She was quite adorable in the way she was poking her nose into my life. Hahaha. She commented that I was probably a loser in my love life since even sec 1 students have steads and I'm still single.

I have to admit that teens are seemingly better at getting hitched than I am. I mean some of them change bfs/gfs faster than they change handphones.

And so I asked her what does she know about love?
She immediately answered by saying that love is a feeling and that it was something akin to that overwhelming sensation you feel when you fall initially in love.

I cannot deny that love is a feeling or have that element to it. Yet I know it's more than a feeling. Because let's be honest here. We know how long feelings can last. Some days, you just wake up feeling the wrong way.

So if love is based just on feelings, then what do a couple do when one no longer feels right? And so I told her that love is more than a feeling, it's about commitment.

I guess unless you know what commitment is, you wouldn't fully understand what love means. Love is a very general term. It can be used for a mother's love for a child, a friend's love for a friend(platonic) or an owner's love for a pet.

Commitment is not an easy term. To stay committed probably means a lot of your perspiration, time, energy, finances and basically your life.

I think love also takes a lot of courage. I find it hard to pluck up that courage to love a girl now. It's easier for me to love my students and give my utmost in helping them become successful in whatever they do. I find it easier to love my school and plunge head first into all that the school is doing.

Of course the ultimate lover is Him. He who loves unconditionally, regardless of our past, who we are and what we have done. He who loves even when we rejected Him. He who shows His love with His sacrifice and His pain. He who loves when He was never sure of whether we would return that love.

He who loves with such intensity, such magnitude and such passion that it burns thousand times brighter than the midday sun.

It's the only love I've got now.

Card ...

2007-09-30T10:59:00.000+08:00

CARD

I didn't see it until Tuesday. The card was lost in the pile of letters that 2N1 and 3E1 submitted in my tray. But I'm sure glad I found the card because it really made my day and probably was the best thing that happened this week.

The card was from student M. I shall not mention her name since she might want to keep her identity secret. It was simple card made from an A4 paper. She decorated it with bright coloured pens and even though she claimed her drawings are not that good, I think the card was fabulous.

All I did was just give her short note and some chocolates to cheer her up. I guess simple things do make a big difference at times. Her seemingly simple card has also made a lot of difference to me.

So student M, you must cheer up. You got a great life ahead of you. And you know I'm always here for you.

I had a health scare on Tuesday night. Felt chest pain on the left and seriously thought it was some cardiac attack. It was so uncomfortable that I couldn't sleep the whole night. And the pain persisted until the next morning.

Good news is it wasn't a heart attack. The doctor thinks it's a gastro-reflux something. The ECG did show that my heart is kind of large. Not sure if it's due to my frequent jogging or it's a symptom of other problems.

I'm struggling. Too much to write them all here but I have to admit that I'm struggling. Looking on the bright side, I survived so far so it will just be another cycle. I just want to get out of the cycle soon.

Hands ...

2007-09-23T00:26:00.000+08:00

HANDS

Click on the link and this is the ugly truth.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070918/ap_on_he_me/dirty_hands_12

This is the reason why I hesitate to shake hands with people. To be honest, I've also noticed how guys do not wash their hands after visiting the toilets. Some can even stand infront of the mirror, touch their hair and adjust their clothes but just never even press the tap.

Others would just simply rinse their hands without using any detergent. I'm seriously disgusted. The report says that one third of men do not wash their hands. I think the figures are higher in Singapore. Everytime I visit the washroom, I see about half or even more than that leaving the washroom with washing their hands or using the handwash.

The detergent is to help kill the bacteria that has gotten on the hands. I will even walk to another building to use their washroom is the one I'm in has no liquid soap. It's worse when I've pressed the tap and realised the handwash dispenser is empty.

That would mean whoever has done what people do in toilets have pressed the same tap without washing with any soap. GOSH! That means the tap is laden with bacteria from their urine, faeces and private areas. So I'll walk another toilet on another floor or another building. Doesn't matter how long it takes.

Another observation I've made in the washroom is how fast we adapt to our situation and circumstances. The Cathay has automatic taps. They respond to you putting your hands underneath the tap. However, the initial burst is always very strong and it can spray all over your shirt or your sleeves.

After 2 visits, I now will pre-empt the strong jet of water. So I'll put my hands further away from the outlet so that the initial burst will not hit my hands. Or I'll just cup my hands so that the water will deflect towards the tap instead of towards my body.

Small observation but it shows how we are constantly adapting and forming habits.

I'm feeling tired more often than not. And I'm witnessing the symptoms again. Sigh. I hate relapses.

Superman ...

2007-09-17T23:21:00.000+08:00

SUPERMAN

I can never be the man in steel or a superhero. My phone is seldom my most fond possession. I can take hours to reply an sms and my phone is always in silent mode. I just do not like the fact that the ring tone of my phone will disrupt the inner peace of other fellow human being. How to be a superhero and rush to the rescue of anyone when he/she can't even reach me?

I can never be a superhero because I realized how limited this human vessel is. I see many hurts and needs each day. I wish I could be writing at least 5-10 encouraging cards everyday to various ones. Buy some tonic for a sick colleague, listen to the woes of a stressed up student, help someone with a piece of work that he/she is struggling with.

I can only do so much. And I do not have any super powers. I wish I could remove stress with a wave of my hands or take away the pain in someone's heart with a snap of my fingers. I wish I could make all things right with a wink of my eye or right every wrong with every word that I speak. No. I do not have those powers.

Juin sent me this quote from the ever brilliant CS Lewis,
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

I've not found a more apt description of my situation. Except I don't wrap my heart with hobbies and little luxuries; I wrap mine in a seemingly selfless act of putting others before self. I wrap myself in a career that is more like a calling, where the nobility of the profession gives me the illusion that everything is ok with my broken life.

And so there rest my heart in that casket. I've successfully distanced myself from most. So that should I ever fall, the ripples it cause will go un-noticed. But the one group that I cannot distanced myself are my students. Try as I may to stay away, I cannot help but be drawn to them.

It's amazing how quickly you can get forgotten. Almost 2 decades of giving my life to that place and all it took was just one year. One year to eradicate the investment of my youth, energy and finances. Then again, I believe the same would be for my school too. I think people will forget me in no time if I were to leave.

So should I leave on a jet plane?

Back to being a superhero. I know I'm not good as a superhero but I believe I can still be helpful and encouraging. As long as I do not start to close my eyes to the aching lives in the world, I think I still got a heart. I'll still try to make a difference each day no matter how small.

Wait a minute, aren't all superheroes lonely and alienated people? Distancing themselves from their loved ones in case those they love get implicated? Perhaps it's the only thing I have in common with them.

Resistance ...

2007-09-16T03:29:00.000+08:00

RESISTANCE

It's been a real challenge this week. I have been feeling ill since Tuesday. 1st it was my stomach and then it was the unrelenting hammering inside my head.

Some mornings, I find it hard to wake up and go to work. I wish I could just curl up in bed and rest so that my body will recover. It was a uphill struggle every morning this week.

Exams are around the corner in 2 weeks. And my PE classes are also having their Volleyball Skill Test. I just hope that I'll get better over this weekend.

I'm not the only one. Several of the teachers are not feeling well and some are on sick leave. I'm always in awe of the teachers who still report to work despite them not feeling well. And I totally respect those who still have to go back home to their children and spouses after a long day at work. This is a job that calls for sacrifices all the time.

Some of my PE classes were disappointing this week. Not because they were not able to execute an accurate forward pass or serve the ball over the net. I never despise them or get angry at my students for the lack of natural abilities or skill. What I cannot tolerate is an uncaring attitude and a failure to put 100% effort into every attempt.

It really makes me wonder what I've been teaching my students for the past 9 months. And it's not that I ever stop harping on these issues. Even I get sick and tired of hearing myself repeatingly telling them about the need to be less selfish and care for each other in class. Repeatingly telling them to not be slipshod in whatever they do.

Perhaps they just need a good reminder from time to time. But even the usual good classes were a tad disappointing.

Had a date with Jasmine to accompany her to Singapore Poly to receive her Singa Award on Tuesday. I'm just proud to have a wonderful student like her. She's every bit of the model student, I would say. During the trip, she mentioned that I can be scary when I get dead serious during work, especially during rehearsal and events.

*laughs*
I can't help it at times. Sometimes I wonder if 2 very different Mr Jaes exist within this body. Perhaps I've just learnt how to work hard and play hard. It's my personal belief that this should be our attitude in life. Time to work, be serious. Time to play, go crazy.

I'm getting concerned again. Noticed one student who had slash marks on her wrist. I guess it helps when I'm teaching them volleyball. What shocked me was the fact that she's a good student and always appears cheery and smiling. Offered some other ways for her to release her stress and frustrations. Wish I could do more.

Sigh, I'll tell you the truth. There are 3 big issues that worries me regarding Junyuan students; smoking, self mutilation and unhealthy boy-girl relationships.

Oh before I go off, I guess I must mention that Jovin, Cheryl, Qiyou and Celia were waiting for me on some evenings when I was showering. It's kinda hilarious to think about that. Thank you people, I do feel your love.

Farcical ...

2007-09-10T23:19:00.000+08:00

FARCICAL

I cannot help but laugh at the naviety and petty squabbles taking place the STOMP forum. The whole voting for the Male Hot Teacher is turning into a farce. Hahaha! I actually laughed out loud at some of the comments written by the critics.

And somehow I feel like a victim being drawn into a meaningless rat race that I never wanted to take part. Let me say this loud and clear:
I do not want or NEED that award.
I do not think the school needs that $1000.
I do not care if I win or lose. My esteem does not rest on public opinion.

What's important to me are my students and making sure that they excel not just in their studies but also becoming outstanding human beings.

And why would I want to be a HOT male teacher. Those who have been taught by me should know I perspire easily like a tap. If I were to choose, I would want to be the coolest male teacher around. So that I do not have a wet Tshirt clinging on to me during every PE lesson. Hahaha! Ok that's lame.

And I wouldn't want to post this in the forum. A skeptic will always be a skeptic. If he believes all animals are cats, even if you put a genuine dog infront of him, he will claim that the cat is such a good actor to learn how to imitate a dog.

Exams are drawing so close. Every time I think about it, I'm getting sweaty palms. I can never understand why some of my students are still so nonchalant about impending challenge. And to think I'm NOT even the one who has to sit for the papers. Sigh.

Oh well, I guess it's my duty as their teacher to inspire them and 'motivate' them towards their goals. Just have to keep reminding them. I've finished setting the English paper 2 for Sec 3E. They are in for such a rude shock. Hee.

Admit ...

2007-09-09T10:08:00.000+08:00

ADMIT

It takes a lot of courage to admit that you are in the wrong. It takes even more courage to admit that you had spend hours doing something and it just isn't good enough. The hardest part is to admit that you have to start all over again, thus wasting all the precious hours you have spent.

It takes humility to admit that you do not know everything. It's never easy to admit that you are still learning and you have not arrived(has anyone ever arrived?). How do you lower your pride and say, " I do not know that."

I must admit that I probably wouldn't get to rest until the end of the year. There's simply too much to do and too little time for me. Graduation Day is in 4 weeks. Then there's Prom Nite in about 2 months. Packed in between them is the OBS for the Sec 2 councillors. Not to mention there's Peer Support Workshop and Peer Mediation Workshop. I will also have to start planning for Sec 1 Camp next year.

On top of all these, I have to prepare 3E1 and 2N1 for their English paper which is in 3 weeks. Sometimes I look at the work in my hands and I must admit it looks humanly impossible. I told myself not to go back to school this September break. Yet I found myself there everyday except for Tuesday and even on a Saturday.

I seriously wish I have more time to do more meaningful things like appreciating my kids or spending more time with them. Isn't that the most important part of being a teacher?

I'm reminded everyday about STOMP and the results so far. 'Hot' is now an adjective people use on me far too easily. Mr Ang from Kong Hwa is leading. Kudos to him and his supporters. To me, I believe everyone who's nominated is already a winner. Because each one must have done something to cause the students to even bother to nominate them and then vote for them.

Thanks to all those who have been tracking my results and always getting people to vote for me. I appreciate it heaps and I do feel the love. Was talking to Paulynn from 1E3 yesterday and she was awake at almost 3am, still concerned about the results.

I told her something which truly expresses how I feel about this whole 'competition' between Kong Hwa and Junyuan. I do not mind losing the competition. But I cannot bare losing my students. This award means nothing to me compared to the well being of the individual lives of my students.

Chinese pugilistic philosophy states 'When the sword perishes, the swordsman will cease to be.' In the same vein, when my students perishes, so will I cease to be a teacher. I love my students. Why? Because I choose to.

Stomp ...

2007-09-06T21:29:00.000+08:00

STOMP

The entire STOMP poll seems to be a 2 sided affair. I guess it's not longer a poll between 14 male teachers. I think it's now a battle of two schools; Junyuan Sec Versus Kong Hwa School. Gosh, I'm thinking about a Death Match. Hahaha.

Oh and someone from our school nominated Ms Christina Lin too. I guess it's really a testament of how much difference she has made in her class. You can 4E1 really loving her like crazy. AWESOME!

I guess I should thank Dee for the gratitude she's shown in nominating. And I appreciate all those who voted for me. Thanks. Your love is felt. Especially for Jovin. Hahaha!

I really love all the gifts for Teacher's Day this year. I guess I'll love it simply because it's from my students and it's from their hearts.

I do have preferences but they are not very important because I believe every gift was bought with love and for that I appreciate it. But I must say there were very little ornaments or gifts that were meant to be placed and admired. That's really good.

I got plenty of chocolates and candies! Hahaha! And one BIG heart shaped Famous Amos cookie which was SO delicious. But I do not know who gave it to me because I mixed up the gifts and cards.

3E1 gave me this fantastic chain which I wore to Marina Square yesterday. Simple but beautiful chain with J, A and E. I also got another tag with the name Jae curved on it and a cross attached. Sabri gave me a dog chain with Ja5on on it. Huimin from 2T1 gave me a very lovely wallet! Hahaha. I really didn't expect it at all.

Hmmm, I'm blogging without the list of gifts. Left it in school but I really appreciate all of them. Yet I must say the most precious ones this year came from my ex students. Especially those from 4E3'06. 8 of them wrote sweet notes and placed it inside a milk bottle with shredded paper, chocs and plastic roses(folded). I simply love the words they wrote.

Now, when I'm discouraged, I know what to read to give me inspiration to carry on. I love all the cards I got this year. Huimin from 4E3 gave me this HUGE card! Atiqah too. Just so many from 4E3. Hahaha.
For those who are reading this, you really do not know how much those words mean to me. I'll profess that it's not an easy job. Especially when day in day out, you are expected to make sacrifices and you want to make them because you love the students you have.

On top of that, there are battles I have to fight and personal demons to exorcise. Without a doubt, I live everyday almost thinking I'll die soon. I do not know how much longer I can hold on to life. But I'll make the most of it.

So for those who wrote me small notes, cards and such before, please know those words are never small or insignificant. As a teacher, I must admit the students are my true inspiration. When I see each of them or a group of them achieving their dreams or simply being happy, it inspires me.

I do not think I'm a great teacher. I know I have great students. Each one with a potential to do things I can only imagine. And it is these great students in Junyuan, past and present who inspires me to do what I do everyday.

Lid ...

2007-09-02T21:51:00.000+08:00

LID

I tried to put a lid on the whole thing. I seriously do not know why Dee did that for. Perhaps it's my age. I'm not very comfortable with the attention.

In fact, even for the Gatsby Award, I was trying to speed it along. Maybe I do have a problem about receiving appreciation and affirmation. It's not a new problem but it's not getting better I think.

And I also have to spare a thought for the other teachers. I just do not want them to think I'm special. We work together as a team in Junyuan. All the teachers are a team working together for the good of our students. I do not wish to stand out.

So for the STOMP nomination, I guess I just have to live with it. Honestly I'm quite embarrassed by it. But I appreciate Dee for the effort she made. I do feel appreciated. And even for those who have already voted for me. Thanks for the support.

I teach my students to choose their attitude. So I guess I should lead by example?
As much as I do not wish to win or even be in the competition, maybe winning it (or just being in it) will help put Junyuan on the Singapore Map. Many people do not even know there's a Junyuan Secondary School.

I've been running a fever on and off these two days. Keep sleeping and recuperating. Perhaps my body is resting because it knows this coming holiday will not be much of a holiday.

There's so much to be done in school. And I just wish I have more time to appreciate all the wonderful students I have. This Teacher's Day Celebration has really made me realized that our students are growing somehow. They are maturing.

It's becoming more and more difficult to let go. 我真的放不下. Every year I stay in Junyuan, I become even more entrenched in trying to build the school's reputation. Maybe I'm turning around. I'm beginning to see more good wherever I go and notice less of the negatives in school.

I might be autistic in love but I do love my students. I love my ex-students. I love 4E3'07(yes I love all of you still). I love 3E1'07 and 2N1'07. I love my Student Councillors. I love all my sec 1 PE classes and I'm super proud of the way they encourage each other for the 2.4km run. I love the various ones I know in school, those I've come in contact with. I love those who's got such a talent and gift and hope they will live their dreams.

Gosh am I sentimental tonight or what? Must be the songs I'm listening to now.

Gatsby ...

2007-09-01T08:18:00.000+08:00

GATSBY

This will be the 1st part of my blog about Teacher's Day. I guess yesterday was blast. Why is it only a guess? Perhaps I'll explain later.

Reached school at 6:45am and it was "Go! Go! Go!" from the very moment I was at school. Event management is such a rush of adrenaline. Was in the council, in the office, out again and in again.

Thousands and one things were racing in my mind and begging for attention. I guess everyone was quite high too because it was quite difficult to get the school ready for the morning workout.

I must admit that Mr Ryan Tan and the Modern Dancers did a fantastic job. They were standing in front of the school and leading them in the workout. Especially Kamil and Jovin, who looked as if they have been aerobics instructors all their young lives. I salute them! Totally impressed.

Then the school had their Big Healthy Breakfast. I felt bad that I couldn't be with my class since I had to attend to the details for the TORCH AWARDS. 3E1 is really fantastic. Sure they are not perfect and they don't always know how to behave at times but there are mature ones in the class and they do the right things at times too. Doesn't matter what others think but I love them anyway!

And of course right on cue at 9:30am, the school gathered for the concert. Gosh everyone was so high and it was difficult to get them quickly seated. But in a fashion, they all got settled in and the show was about to begin.

And what a blast it was when the emcees welcomed the teachers to the hall. I mean I could feel the decibel rising, shaking the foundation of the school. Even the teachers said they will never forget their red carpet experience.

All the awards presentation and performing items went well without much glitches. Even though I was agitated by some little things, it's down to the prefectionist in me. I couldn't ask for more from my student leaders. And student leaders doesn't just mean councillors. They included everyone who participated, like the presenters, the performers and the PA crew.

In fact they did something that totally surprised me and made me very proud. The student leaders, led by Dee I believed, introduced this last minute award and presented it to me. It really wasn't the award that brighten up my day. It was the fact that they planned it without me knowing and looked into the details.

They had the winner's card, the music for the winner and even had the activity. And they got all the student leaders into the act. Not to mention the presenters who were probably enjoying dancing to the Gatsby song more than anything else. Everything was planned down to the wire.

I'm just very impressed with the fact that they could pull the whole thing off with such finesse. The fact that I now know for sure that they have CAUGHT what I've been trying to teach them all these while. That is the REAL and the BEST Teacher's Day gift for me.

Elaine was the artistic director for this year's Torch AWards, having came up with the thematic scheme for the slideshow and the winners' cards. I love to advertize about my students and help them promote their talent. So I'm attaching the pics here in this post.

It was great to see all my ex-students. Sigh I wish I didn't have to work so hard yesterday so I wouldn't be perspiring. I was so wet and I felt uncomfortable about hugging them. I wish I could. There are days when I'm walking around school and I could remember scenes when different ex-students would come and say hi or ask me questions.

Maybe in my heart, I do yearn for the chance to not do any organizing for Teacher's Day and just enjoy the day. I wish I could be able to spend more time with each student. Oh well, at least I got to go drink bubble tea with 4E3'06. We are planning for a chalet end of the year.

I've yet to go through my gifts and cards. Had to finish some admin work in school and only left after 6pm. Hahah! All my gifts and cards are still in their wrapping and sealed envelopes back in school. Shall blog about them in the future.

However I took all the cookies and biscuits back. So for those who gave me any cookies, biscuits and cakes for Teacher's Day, thanks! I can't possibly finish all of them. Sharing them with my family. But I did taste all of them and they tasted great!

I so appreciate 3E1 for the cake they baked and the special chain they gave. Only one thing. The 'J' was upside down but it is still a very beautiful chain. Will take the chance to wear it.

I wish to say again that I thank the Light for the chance He gives to me to teach in a mini heaven like Junyuan where the students are angels. Thank you Junyuan for making Teacher's Day so special for all the teachers.

Weight ...

2007-08-29T22:06:00.000+08:00

WEIGHT

I must admit that I'm struggling under the immense weight. But I'll soldier on and fight. Two more days. That's all.

I just pray that everything will work out right on the day itself. I'm just so weary that the tiredness seems to penetrate my very bones. Two more days and then it will be over.

This headache is getting worse. Sometimes it makes me so frustrated that I just want to break something. Sometimes it would disappear suddenly. Two more days and I'll be able to sleep it away.

I think I'll crash very badly Friday afternoon again. Two more days.

Stressed ...

2007-08-26T23:17:00.000+08:00

STRESSED

I want my life back. But where have I lost it?

Drained ...

2007-08-20T21:31:00.000+08:00

DRAINED

I'm very tired.

Notebook ...

2007-08-19T09:07:00.000+08:00

NOTEBOOK

I stared at the blank pages of the small notebook lying on the desk. Holding it in my hands, I flipped through the pages and found them to be empty as well. With renewed determination, I turned to the first page and looked at it again. I took up the pen and got ready to write down what might come to mind.

It was useless and futile. Nothing came. A wave of melancholy washed over me, seemingly to drown me in its sadness. I felt a familiar wetness surrounding my eyes.

Someone had kindly given me the book as a way to encourage me I supposed. A small post-it was attached to the notebook. The suggestion was for me to pen down all the things I've done right so that perhaps I wouldn't focus on the negative things that might have gone wrong.

My initial reaction was to remarked on how simple but effective this strategy was. Then at least I would have something concrete to reflect on when I'm feeling worn, torn and tattered while fighting the battles of life.

Yet that first euphoric moment fleeted away almost immediately when I found it hard to even think of anything I've done right. I struggled with the possibility that perhaps I've done nothing right after all. What difference have I made in the people around me?

My eyes and thoughts returned to the book in my hands. It was beautifully decorated with some paper art on its cover. Despite that, I could not envision the beauty in my soul or my life. The wetness was not longer an illusion and it soon turned into a stream of cascading tears.

Placing my hands on the table, I rested my head on my arms and looked like a defeated student who'd given up on a test. Perhaps I've given up on the examination of life itself. I did not know how long I was in that position but I knew time drifted aimlessly away. It was then that I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder.

The face that greeted me was a familiar one. So was the voice that said, "Hello, Mr Ong!" I returned the greeting and before I could ask how she got in my room, she went on. "Remember that time when my aunt was struck with cancer? You talked to me over MSN and comforted me. I just want you to know how much that meant to me." She ended that with the usual beautiful grin she was known for.

As I opened my mouth to say it was nothing at all, she stepped aside and another person took her place. "Hey Jae! I just want you to know that talking to you always makes me feel great about myself. Especially when my mother is always so hard on me. You never fail to make me believe in myself and appreciate me for who I am."

My face was turning red from the compliment and even before I could say anything, another person was standing next to my chair. "Whazzup Mr Jae!" I couldn't help myself and instinctly slapped a high 5 with the boy. "I wish to thank you for the chance to display my talent on stage. Thanks for believing in me. I've finally found my passion."

I didn't even have the notion of bending my head to the side to see if there was a queue forming up. I was too caught up in the moment. Another familiar face and voice greeted me. "Thanks for being such a fun and spontaneous teacher. I think school will be so boring without you."

"Thank you for all the chocolates and for always pushing us so hard. We might not like it but we know it's for our own good."
"I want to appreciate you for that note you gave to me when you knew I was depressed. It meant alot to me."
"Thank you boss for giving me Pellet."

And so it went on, one after another. That familiar wetness returned but it wasn't that depressive wave of melancholy that accompanied it. A single word wouldn't be able to express the swelling I felt in my heart. Soon, I learnt not to reply at all. I just sat there looking at each smiling faces and drinking in the words.

Strangely, the words were spoken to me in a different context or written on a card or letter before. Some were smses or conversation we had over MSN. It just felt very different when it was done face to face.

I was embarrassed and overwhelmed. Deep inside, I felt that I did not deserve all these accolades and thanks. I felt that I was not good enough. I kept wanting to say, "Oh no, it was no big deal."

Suddenly, I jerked and found myself raising my head from my arms. I glimpsed at the pool of wetness on my table and realized I must have fallen asleep. I was thankful that my tears and drool did not touch the notebook.

I took a sweeping look around my small bedroom, half expecting to see the people I saw in my dream. And even though I saw no one but the familiar furniture, I wasn't sad. I raised my eyes to the ceiling and whispered a simple thank you.

Picking up the pen and opening the small little book once more, I started to write what I've done right in my life, still feeling undeserving and insignificant. However, words were appearing on the pages and the book was finally being filled up.

Disability ...

2007-08-17T21:55:00.000+08:00

DISABILITY

Was attending the MindChamps Course for Champion Teachers and I was struck by something. The trainers introduced this 12 years old boy by the name of Shalom Lim. He's suffering from some muscular disability so he can't walk.

But this wheelchair bound boy is such an excellent artist and he wrote an awesome poem that tugs so strongly at the heart. All these are made possible by his mum who's being very supportive and believes in him. The mum is not an artist or poet but she created the environment for him to become what he is now.

So despite being disabled physically, he is definitely not disabled in his mind or soul. Yet how many people walk this world being crippled in their soul and in their mind?

Any form of perjudice is a form of disability of the mind. And form of low self esteem is being crippled in your soul. An inability to receive love or respond to care and concern is also a form of handicap.

We might all look so healthy and well on the outside, having the full function of our limbs and faculties. However, how many of us could be disabled in some other ways? How many times have we repeatedly tell ourselves we can't do something? Or that we will fail in something because we have always failed in the past?

Had 3 cards and some gifts today. I was just so surprised that someone went to school early in the morning to leave it in my pigeonhole. Pleasantly surprised and shocked.

All these still does not change the fact that it's still a non-event for me. And I regretted telling Syahrin. Gosh I had like so many smses during dinner! Yesterday, I received an awesome sms from Dee too. A poem in an sms. Hahaha! Anyway a big thanks to everyone who wished me anything and everything.

Totally random thought; I'm hooked on the soundtrack for the movie 'Secret'.

Gold ...

2007-08-16T21:16:00.000+08:00

GOLD

I seriously didn't think I would make it.
Today was a really terrible day. During the afternoon, I feel like I want to give up.
This is such a bloody term. I'm working nights and weekends and I cannot even finish all the work.

The OBS is once again proving to be a headache. Just today, there were so many changes within 2 hours. And I've also brought alot of trouble to Mrs Oh and Mr AM Tan. Sometimes I wonder why we do so much for the students who obviously do not deserve it. Do we really care too much?

It was so bad that it was hard for to control my agitation and I was almost close to breaking down and throwing in the towel. And Teacher's Day is also having issues. And I still have to prepare for lessons and finish all my tons of marking.

There's just too much to settle for Teacher's Day. I will not even start to list them down. Sometimes I do feel a little angry. It's not like I have to do this! I'm a teacher too and here I am trying to make the day as special for you as possible but what do I get?

I don't profess that the programme is the best but I do think it's more creative and somewhat different. Shall we go back to the days of boring performances and the teachers leaving the hall feeling neither touched nor appreciated?

Is it very difficult to just look on the brighter side of life and join in the fun?

Gosh I must be totally stupid to go through so much trouble to receive such sticks. I must be stupid to choose not to rest and enjoy the day, MY DAY, by doing nothing much. Stupidity becomes me.

And so the afternoon was terrible. And I was having this nagging headache from all the stress. I felt like a total wreck and still, I have to go for my IPPT(Napfa) test.

In the cab on the way there, I kept reminding myself to choose my attitude. And so I decided to give it my best shot despite feeling lousy physically, mentally and emotionally. In fact I almost dozed off.

I do not know how much the choosing of my attitude helped but I managed to get the GOLD award this year. That's $400 cash award! Whoooosh! Birthday has come early for me this year! I just gave myself my 1st birthday gift.

Managed to do 9 minutes and 50 seconds for 2.4km at the stadium tracks. It was so tough especially during the 5th round. My legs felt like jelly and my sides was burning with pain. Yet I kept counting every four steps and kept breathing. To do sub 10 after not running for more than 2 weeks is really a miracle.

Birthdays used to make me melancholy. Now, I don't even bother about it anymore. I'm not sure that's an improvement or it's getting worse. To put it bluntly, I just don't give a darn about it.

I'm so dead exhausted and I wish I have 48 hours a day. Sigh. Am I really attempting the impossible?

Fish ...

2007-08-11T22:19:00.000+08:00

FISH

Had a workshop with the councillors yesterday. Yes it was a holiday but as usual, my councillors rose to the occasion and turned out in full force.

The workshop was about the FISH philosophy. The four basic tenets are: Choose Your Attitude; Be There; Play & Make Their Day. Four very simple but powerful things to remember to do so that you will have a GREAT life.

I just hope the councillors will really be that sphere of influence and drag people into their forcefield. Whoosh!!! Wouldn't that be a sight to behold?!?!

Went to Ikea and Giant to get stuff for the toilets with Shaohui, Cheryl, Hafizah and Farhana. It was quite a fun trip but we got quite tired when we were waiting for the bus back to Tampines.

Actually as big as those places are, they just do not have everything we wanted. We had to go to 800+ to get the rest of the paint and the dustbin.

It was a long tiring day and I left school at 5plus. After that, I went to meet my scriptwriting partner to brainstorm something for Christmas. We came up with dramatic story that almost made me tear a few times even while we were discussing it.

I was so tired that I crashed badly on the way home in the MRT. Then I only managed to sleep at 2am and this morning, it was back to school to help 4E3 with their oral. I just really hope that all of them will do exceptionally well for their oral this Wednesday and Thursday.

The least I can do now is to pray for them. Sigh. Throughout this holiday, I almost did nothing. So much work left undone. There's still alot of marking left. OBS is around the corner and there's plenty of logistic or little details to finalize.

And Teacher's Day is coming too. The fact that I'll lose a week because my Sec 3 Councillors are away for OBS is giving me nightmares. I do feel extremely tired and the 'crashing' periods are starting to get alarming.

However, I might choose my attitude. I must choose to make everyday a GREAT day and make sure it's rewarding not just for me but for those I see everyday. Once a day is over, I can never get it back. Time is the most precious commodity in the world. And I need a lot of it.

Price ...

2007-08-08T19:54:00.000+08:00

PRICE

There's a price for every victory and success. Seriously nothing comes cheap. Even if you think it costed you nothing, maybe somebody has paid the price for you. It must have been at the expense of someone else.

I do not wish to count my chicks before they hatch but I think 3E1 had the most amount of collections for the Food & Funfair. It didn't come at an easy price tag. Unlike 3E3'06, there wasn't much in the class fund. Despite the donations from the parents, I still have to fork out a substantial amount of cash.

I'm just proud of everyone in 3E1. They really outshone themselves by putting up 5 stalls. Everyone chipped in and played a part in making sure that the games and food stalls ran well.

We almost lost to a Sec 1 class. It was another close fight. Last year we won by $100++ and it happened again this year. Close call. I believe we showed everyone that 3E1 can achieve the impossible if we want to.

Even Huishan came to help. I just hope she continues to come back to school. Huishan, somehow I still believe in you. But it's really up to you.

I proud of 3E1 because we did it all together as a class. It was a class effort. Well done!

After that, I had Teacher's Day Audition. I really hate to do this at times. Given a chance, I would love to put everyone up there to perform for Teacher's Day. Yet time is always a constraint and the truth in life at the end of the day, only the best team win.

The part where I have to announce the result was the most heartbreaking. Sigh. I always believe that if the student is sincere and have a talent, I will do my best for them to showcase their skill. So to say no to some of them was really something I wish I do not have to do.

So the least I can do is let the rest perform at another event like Graduation Day and Prom Nite. If you think American Idol was bad, it's really worse when you are in a room and you have to break the news to them.

And it was at 5pm when I left school that I realized I've only take a cup of syrup drinks and a rotiboy for the entire day. I don't know. Today just passed real quickly.

Alright. Now that National Day is finally out of the way, it's time to prepare for Teacher's Day. It's one after another. WHOOOSH!

3E1

2007-08-05T18:09:00.000+08:00

3E1

I didn't know why I blew my top that day. I think it's simply because the pressure was building up all these while.

It didn't help that I woke up with a terrible headache. And the stress of the past weeks plus what's coming up is getting to me. Sometimes I really wonder why do I have so much on my plate. The Student Council is really doing alot of projects at the same time.

And even though it's different EXCO members incharge, it's the same 3 teachers. I work hard because I do not want people to look down on the Council. I hate to be despised for not working hard enough.

I hardly care about what people think of me. But if I can help it, I want my conscience to be clear. I want to know I've given 101% in everything I was given. I need to know that I've committed all my resources and did whatever I could. Then, if the result is not satisfactory, I know I've done my best.

I do not care two hoots about people's opinion as long I know I've done what's right. Life is short, you need to live everyday to the fullest and each step I take should be towards the Light and not away from it.

But I do care jealously about the people I love. I also care about the reputation they have and how people see them. 3E1 was never just a form class to me. 3E1 is MY form class. 3E1 is MY class. I feel very much a part of it as any other student inside. It's my family.

It's not a secret that my class is probably the worst class on paper among the 6 sec 3 Express classes. I've got 12 retained students, 2 transferred cases (due to poor academic results) from another school, about 8 smokers, several misfits, several boys caned for smoking or truancy, others sent on suspension, students who are rude to teachers, very emotional girls, so many latecomers and some who just can't seem to fit in.

Yet, it is still my class. I do not think they are worse than any other class. And when we work together as a class, we can beat the rest too. We won for the Chinese New Year's Class Decoration, not to mention the Best Mascot for the X-Country. We also came in 3rd for the Interclass Volleyball.

Strangely I do not hate my class for all the trouble. In fact, I enjoy my lessons with them. They are the most colourful class I've ever had. I said it before and I'll say it again, there's never a dull moment with 3E1. And they are an insanely creative bunch of people.

I guess I blew my top that day because I expected better from a bunch of 15-16 years old. I mean if you want to do something, do it properly. And even if you have reservations, do it for the class.

Actually it was me getting so angry that made me realize how much I treasure this class. They are really a very lovable bunch. All you have to do it look deeper. And no I'm not being sarcastic. I mean it. Look deeper and you will see the beautiful soul in each of them. EVERY single one of them.

Sigh, I'm stressed out. Work is piling up. I clear one item and 2-3 items come in. Just praying that it wouldn't rain on the 8th August. What's the summary of this entry? I'm glad you ask. The summary is I LOVE 3E1!!!

Suspension ...

2007-07-24T22:04:00.000+08:00

SUSPENSION

I'm beginning to hate that word and at the same time, I'm getting used to it. Oxymoron? Paradoxical? I'm not sure why but this semester is a mad mad ride.

Work is of course ever increasing but I've learnt to accept it. That doesn't stop the ranting of course and I've expected Semester 2 to be a whole lot tougher than the previous one.

But what I do not understand is the fact that my class is seeing a lot of action recently. Just this week, I've had 2 students going on suspension. One for 3 days and another for 2 weeks.

Different ones in the class are flaring up with different problems. Alright I must admit that life is never boring with 3E1 but sometimes, I do think I might die of a heart attack anytime.

And as the Form Teacher, it seems that your students are SUPPOSED to be a reflection of you. Hahaha! How I wish that was true! If my students are like me, I think 3E1 would be a very different class. Rowdy and insane for sure but they would know better than to do some of the things they did. At least I know I would be more street smart.

Yet, I cannot run away from the accusation that perhaps I'm not doing my job or I'm just simply lousy at being a Form Teacher. Say what you want, the bottomline is the result. So if my kids are misbehaving, I guess I cannot stop people from pointing the finger at me.

Harry Potter said something in the most recent edition to his saga on film. He said, to the effect of, that sometimes you shouldn't care too much. The more you care, the more you have to (or are afraid of losing) lose.

I do not care what 3E1 is like. I love them just the same. It's a weird combination but I think it works out well. At times. Hahaha. I would not exchange my class for any other class. And I believe in EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. They will make it.

Which also brings me to 2N1. I do not understand what's the hoohaa about the class last semester. To me, they are also a very lovable bunch of students. Make no mistake, they can be noisy and rowdy at times. And they still need to discipline themselves alot more.

But I enjoy teaching them. I enjoy my lessons with them. Once you tell them what you expect, they are always able to deliver it to you. For that, I think they are wonderful students.

I think my MC on Monday was a sign. Thought I started well for this semester. Oh well, I just hope I don't get another attack again. Too many things at stake this semester.

Thrice ...

2007-07-19T21:14:00.000+08:00

THRICE

Three incidents happened today to really drive home something I've been figuring out recently.

I was reflecting on how hard the teachers work to help our student pass their exams and finally make it through their O levels. All these because we believe a good O level certificate will be the best ticket to their future away from Junyuan. Or is it?

What's the point of producing A1 students when they fail in their humanity? If we were to grade our students on their character and personality, will they get an A1? Would they pass? Or would they get a E8 or F9 as a person because they are so selfish and irresponsible?

One boy had a big argument with the OM today. I'm not siding anyone but I'm just disappointed because I know the boy is a good student. He's smart and I thank God for him in my class. I truly believe he will have a great future. Maybe I have not taught him enough to be a better person.

3 other students from another class decided to pay a prank on another classmate. I mean sure you can play some harmless prank at times. But what I could not accept was the fact that they keep insisting on some lies and crossed that line. Sigh. Once again, have I failed as a teacher? Did I not teach them to be honest? Or have I thought them that it's ok to lie?

At least 3 of them admitted to their part in playing the prank. Seriously it was a small prank but I was angry at the lies and lack of integrity. I do not look down on people who made mistakes. But I do not respect those who are not brave enough to admit that they have done something wrong.
After some thoughts, I let them go and will probably talk to them tomorrow. Not going to punish them. Just want them to learn.

And after a long ordeal of conducting oral for 22 students, I came down to encounter the 3rd incident. Sure I understand that in a game where you play to win, frustration can get into your system and you might feel like flaring up. Especially when things are not going your way.

Yet, isn't it true that we need to control ourselves? Every professional sportsmen know that they have to respect the decisions or the whistle of the referees. That's good sportsmanship.

And some students even wanted to argue or pick a fight with my councillors who were organizing the event. They were not even players.

Have I failed as an educator? Why are my students behaving without respect for others? I guess I'm more disappointed with myself than with them. Seriously, I do not think I'm a great teacher. Far from it, I think I'm a victim of being busy but I do not think I'm effectively productive.

Who will save me now?

Ease ...

2007-07-18T20:23:00.000+08:00

EASE

This happened some 2 weeks back. Yes, I've been that busy that I find practically no time to blog about the daily life of being a teacher.

I was at a wedding. I was sitting with friends. They were people whom I've known for a long time. Yet somehow I feel totally alienated and can't seem to be at ease with them.

I finally found my element when I saw Lucas. Lucas is my god-son. He was with Min, Joshua and Zac. All of them are between 4-7 years old. I was so at ease with them. I mean totally myself. The most important fact was that I actually enjoyed myself with them tremendously.

Perhaps I'm a big kid. I mean how can I feel so strange among adults and so true among the children? I've always felt it but that episode 2 weeks ago confirmed it.

School is CRAZY. I do not know what I'm busy with all the time. It's one thing after another. I feel extremely exhausted. My tank seems to be running empty again.

And I'm still worried for my form class. So many incidents took place recently, I'm just afraid for the kids in my class. Seriously I'm always thinking about the different ones in my form class. I just pray that some of them will see the light soon. If not, more time will be wasted.

2N1 needs a lot of help too. I just hope to help them do well in the coming exams. Based on what I'm seeing now, quite a number of them are really weak in the language. But I do enjoy my lessons with them. When they are behaving of course. Hahaha!

As usual, this is the period where I'm training together with my sec 1 for their Napfa Test. It's so tiring. Last week I hurt my back and just today I think I pulled my calf. Sigh. Maybe I shouldn't be running with all 9 classes every week. Sometimes I wonder how long I'll last but I still believe that the best way to motivate them is to do it together with them.

The vultures are constantly circling around me. Sometimes I feel so tempted to just die and let them pick my bones dry with their ugly beaks. Just throw in the towel and give up everything. After all, I do not think I'll be missed.

Vultures swirling around in the sky reminds me of encroaching death. Sigh

View ...

2007-07-08T08:53:00.000+08:00

VIEW

It was pouring yesterday morning. The sky was dark and gloomy. The deluge made leaving the house a painfully wet affair. I mean I was half drenched even while I was waiting for the cab under a huge shelter.

And such a heavy downpour would often mean that your shoes would be wet and your socks would be soaked right through to your skin. It's just a sucky feeling.

Bad day? On the contrary, I went running in the rain. It has been some time since I did that. The feeling was euphoric. I even managed to shave off 3-4 minutes from the usual time it took for me to complete my circuit.

I felt like I was in Perth, jogging during spring and totally enjoying the cool weather. In fact, it was similar to running on a treadmill in an airconditioned gym. For that, I think it was good day.

I was in school trying to pack my place and do some work. My 'disaster area' needed more work that I thought. I could finish all the packing and did no work at all. And that was after spending 3 over hours trying to organize the place, vacuuming and wiping all the dust away.

Bad day? Looking on the brighter side of things, I realized I've cleared a lot of rubbish and had also come up with a better system of organizing the tons of paper that go through my hands. And I've shifted my laptop to the side of my table so finally, I have a table to work on.

I had to go somewhere to kill time before I head down to service. Decided to go to the airport and take lunch at Burger King. I hate to waste time but I was in limbo, not knowing what to do. Another bad event in a supposing bad day?

The positive side of it was I got to do some marking but more importantly, I met Chin Siang and Pamela at Burger King. What's the chance of that happening huh? I even got the chance to treat them to a cuppa java at Starbucks. And it's always good to chat with my students.

Bad day? Good day? It's all about the way you view you. What do you choose to see? Some people might think it was bad because I have to spend money to treat my students. But I choose to see it was a chance to bless them and let them know I love them.

How are you seeing your world? What do you focus on? When you change your point of view, you change the quality of your life because you will start to focus on the positive aspects of life and not the doodrums.

Then again, I still need healing. Ok I'm blogging once a week. That's got to be bad. Hahaha!

Bushed ...

2007-07-01T12:46:00.000+08:00

BUSHED

It's only been one week but I'm really tired out. I find myself yawning constantly and feeling sleepy throughout the day. And waking up every morning is like recovering from some major surgery or trauma. It's just so agonizing.

This semester is shockingly CRAZY. My workload has increased. Teaching another class of English is no joke. That's another 5 essays, 5 comprehension, 1 oral mock exam plus whatever there is multiply by 43!

Plus I'm involved in 2 National Examinations. That would mean at least 2 and half weeks of afternoons that will be gone. Then there's the internal Oral Exams. And the Student Council is running so many programs this semester.

And OBS preparation is underway. Thinking about the semester only makes me feel like a thousand butterflies are fluttering in my stomach and gives me sleepless nights. I hope I can pull through. As it is, I would be going back for 5 Saturdays just to finish the Oral Mock Exams.

Singing during the Youth Day Concert was a rush! Yeah it was a rush not a blast. Only decided to sing the song after trying it in the hall on Thursday. And Mr Chew was roped in on Thursday evening and Mr Alsagoff was on Friday morning itself!!! Hahaha they both did a great job.

Someone told she was crying when I was singing the song. Now that's something out of the ordinary! And I was so engrossed about explaining the song that I forgot that I wish to dedicate the songs especially to 3E1, 4E3 and all my sec 1 classes. Sigh. Stage jitters. And I lost 2 lines of lyrics! Apparently it wasn't that obvious so I guess the cover up was good enough.

Oh did I blog about me buying a new laptop? Hahaha!
Bought a new LG S1 series laptop. It's cool. I just love the design. And the accompanying LG laptop bag is so stylish too. It's quite big and it even has it's own number pad. Ultra cool!

As for relinking, no worries people I'll have to do it soon cause I need to link my new class 2N1. And I really love this song.

Autism ...

2007-06-16T09:48:00.000+08:00

AUTISM

Was discussing with a friend some time back about being autistic in love. And I think I am.

Autism is an often misunderstood psychiatric illness. Most of our education about autism comes from movies or TV drama that portrays such characters. However autism is much more than that.

It's basically a developmental disability that inhibits the learning process of a child. Socially, they are incapable of communicating what they want and often seems to be in a world of their own.

I think I'm autistic in love. After spending more than 2 decades of my life as a single, I find it hard to adjust if I'm going to share my life with someone else. I'm guarding my privacy like it's my last line of defence. Perhaps it's this absorption with self that crippling my abilities to communicate?

I've been told that I do not share much and seems so difficult to understand. Even I find it hard to decipher who I really am or what do I want at times.

Repetitive senseless behaviour is one of the common symptoms of autism. Seems like I keep getting myself into situations that doesn't allow me to fall in love totally and the pattern is repeating itself.

Am I attracted to girls? Of course. Do I fall in love or develop crushes? Of course. Do I date? Yes. Have I tried working out a relationship with someone? I did. Yet somehow, the autism in my heart seems to be the city walls that is keeping love out.

Gosh, I just realized maybe I'm also autistic in friendship. Everyone thinks I'm everyone's best friend or good buddy. That's very far from the truth. Socially, perhaps I'm not the butterfly that most people think I am. I'm just an autistic child locked in his own world.

I want a family and I love to have MANY kids. Yet that dream seems a distant echo in the wilderness I'm in.

$2

2007-06-10T10:52:00.000+08:00

$2

Beware the $2 shop. Daiso is really quite a good place for cheap bargains. It's true that most of the items sold are definitely more than $2. I mean you couldn't get the same thing for that price anywhere else.

What's more, most of them are Japanese goods. They obviously look the part and are beautiful in design and a delight to the eyes. All in all, a good place to shop.

But you do have to be aware that since the shop can only price everything at $2, one will notice certain items are priced at the same price when they differ very much in size.

In fact, there are a number of items that are sold cheaper outside the shop. Or rather there are cheaper alternatives in other shops. Yet most people wouldn't have noticed that.

This is human psychology. We go inside a shop that sells everything for $2. We see things that usually cost more and we know we are in for a bargain. So that piece of paradigm sticks. And with that, you tend to see everything as cheap.

However if you are in the know, or you are like Auntie Parfeit(me), you would realize that many things are not even $2 but Daiso is selling them at $2. It's a strategy that probably explains how they make their profit.

Sure, somethings they sell at $2 and seemingly are making a loss. Why seemingly? Because I do believe that the production cost is lower than $2. However I also think they make more profit from other items that are usually sold for less than $2 in other shops.

Oh well, it all boils down to how you feel at the end of the day. If you feel that you have made a bargain, I guess it doesn't matter. Oops! Did I just burst your bubbles?

Anyway it's just an observation I've made. There are very good bargains in these bargain shops. Just be aware that not everything is a bargain. Even if you choose to buy everything from these shops, at least be aware.

Learnt ...

2007-06-03T09:07:00.000+08:00

LEARNT

Life provides a wide myriad of lessons when you take time and care to observe.

I was at Starbucks Bugis a few days back. I witnessed something which would be a more than common sight in fastfood restaurants and cafes. I was referring to the typical discussion between a financial adviser to a potential client.

Financial Adviser is definitely a better title than an insurance agent. No disrespect here but it's quite true that insurance agents these days do not just sell insurance policies. They are trying to protect your future by recommending a comprehensive saving plan.

And so I saw and heard this financial adviser meeting up with a teenage boy. No joke. She looked as shocked too even though she was calm and collected in her demeanor. Most financial advisers have people helping them to call and make contacts. I guess she was going to have a strong word with her telemarketer for not finding out how old the boy was! Hahaha!

The boy was no innocent victim. He sounded exactly like the way he looked; brainy, informed and opinionated. The agent was quite a pretty young thing. Tall, slim, she carried herself extremely well.

I was trying to mind my own business but since I was alone and reading, it was easy for my ears to pick up stray bits of the conversation. It doesn't help when it's such a strange sight; an attractive young lady in her 20s sitting at the table with a teenage nerdy boy. Not to mention they were talking quite loudly.

And so the the game of chess began. The boy was quite coherent when he talked about investment and his saving plan. Of course, she was not going to let him go that easily. Eventually, and you see this all the time, she takes out a piece of paper and start outlining how HER plan/s might help him more.

I left before their conversation ended. Yet what I observed was how patient the lady was. And how she was so focused on the teenage boy even as he rattled off with his brainy opinions and plans.

It's really amazing the great length people go to just to achieve their goals and aims. Every sales person know that the reward is at the end of making an actual sale. And for that to happen, they know it's important to win the customer over and make the customer feel like he/she is the most valuable person in the world.

Then again, some sales personnel do not even recognize this. Go to any shopping malls in Singapore and you see it all the time.

Point is people really go to great lengths to get what they want. Tolerance and patience comes easy when they imagine the sweet taste of the fruit of their labour. But once they get what they wanted, things might change.

What would you do to achieve your goals? Would you betray your principles? Would you still stay true to yourself? Would do anything and everything just so you can get what you want?

Links ...

2007-06-01T22:59:00.000+08:00

LINKS

It's that time of the year again. My students are unleashed from the chains and bondage of homework(not true since I gave my class 3 pieces of work for the holidays) and the merciless discipline in school.

With all the time they now have in their hands, they can suffer under another demon; Boredom. So I guess it's not surprising that my kids will start changing blogskins and even their blog address.

I'm thinking of switching to Wordpress.com myself. Still pondering over it. Not too sure if all the months of entries will be lost? They claimed that they can import the whole thing. Oh well.

For those who asked me to link or relink you, give me a few more days. I'll try to find time. Even though it's the holidays, I'm packed with some courses and other personal stuff that I need to see to. It really doesn't feel like a holiday.

Went vivocity with Jocelyn, Selina and Jieling today for Project $10. I guess I was the envy of everyone since I had 3 beauties with me! Hahaha! Shrek 3 was hilarious! In the same row at GV Max, 2 other guys and myself were laughing so loudly!

And the girls were worse. They were having a conversation and doing a running commentary on the movie! I argued that laughing at the jokes, even if it's loud clatter, is still acceptable. Talking and discussing about the jokes is not.

After that we went to eat Kolo Mee and then to Gloria Jeans for coffee. It was interesting to learn about their lives and the lives of others. For the uninitiated, these 3 girls together with Steph, Vanessa and Elaine are the 'Sin Ming Wan Bao' in my class. They got the latest scoops and juicy rumours, all the time!

Tuesday workshop with Mrs Oh and the Student Council was fabulous. Like what Hafiz said, it should have been longer so we can close the whole process. There were a lot of links established during the workshop. And we were addressing real issues facing the school.

And the conclusion we had concerning many of the needs and problems of the school boils down to the kind of students we have. If everyone is a little more responsible and thinks for others, the toilets would be cleaner, the canteen will be clean and no one will cut queues.

I'm not too sure whether renovating the toilet or giving beautiful things to the students will make them behave better. Sometimes, it does help when you want people to take care of something. I mean perhaps having a beautiful thing will make you treasure it more? More changes to come in Semester 2, courtesy of the Student Council.

Having weird notions and strange observations lately. More posts coming up.

Cover ...

2007-05-27T21:24:00.000+08:00

COVER

Yes I've become the 'Cover Boy' for our school newsletter together with a few councillors. It was a strange feeling. Frankly speaking, I wouldn't have said yes IF I was asked about it. Nope, I was even given that choice.

Oh well, at least I had Xiao Shuai Ge Amos to be in the same pic with me! Hahaha! He's hot stuff with the sec 1 and 2 girls.

I need to help my class HEAPS when school reopens. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that my class had the most failures. And the worst thing is some of the repeat students are not doing as well.

But I'm extremely proud of Chin Siang. Doesn't matter if he was retained last year because he got 2nd in class this year. His attitude had been top class. I can see him putting effort in his work and he constantly asks for feedback to make sure he's on the right track.

Kudos to him. And to the other top performers like Natasha too.

Boris did well too. I just need to help the rest.

Went to Vivocity for Project $10 with Syahrin, Aryani, Sabri and Natasha. It was fun chatting about school, life and making fun of some of them. Hahaha! Really enjoyed myself.

The group was very sweet too. They bought me chocolates. Expensive chocolates from Chocolate Factory. Thanks. I really appreciate the gestures but you all really shouldn't have.

We caught Pirates 3 and to be honest, it was just lot of action but seems to be lacking in depth. The story was quite magnificent but somehow the delivery didn't bring across the grandeur of the tale. And it seems like they are setting up for Pirates 4?

I hate this holiday. I can't seem to be able to go overseas because there are so many things happening. Sigh. Can't even get a breather from all the stifling stress.

Heal Over is a gorgeous song. I wish someday I'll heal over too.

Choices ...

2007-05-13T19:58:00.000+08:00

CHOICES

I have been deliberating about choices in our lives.

I mean people can get obsessed with this notion of empowering someone with the power of the choice. What can you choose? What choices do you want to make? Choices on every aspect of your life?

Imagine a person obsessed about making the right choices in everything in his life. Can you imagine the amount of effort, energy, time and not to mention the finances?

Why finances? Assuming you renovating your place and you make choices about how you wish the place to be renovated. He can start thinking, I always have a choice. So let's choose how I want it to look like, which might cost a bomb.

How about people who are so obsessed with making choices that it goes down even to their choice over how their kids might look like? Bio-engineering their kids even before they are born? It's not a joke anymore or a figment of our imagination.

Motivational speakers are far and few in between. They are, statistically speaking, the minority in the population. So are the highly successful and marvellously rich people.

Yet this minority sell books and give talks on how to be motivated, on how you can influence your life with the power of choice and about how you can cultivate a habit for success.

But they are still the minority. What if they are successful or have the drive because they ARE that minority? It's easy to credit success, a higher standard of living or a fat bank account to 'principles' and 'habits' when you are already there.

How sure are we that they got where they are because of those? What if they are simply there because they are the minority born or raised to achieve the impossible? What if the 'principles' and 'habits' are all incidental?

Psychologists implied that most of our makeup is already determined by the time we finish our 1st decade as a human being. So when your attitude, your mindset and habits are already formed at that young an age, what makes you think listening or reading to these motivational speakers will change you?

More importantly, will what they share about choices and how you can determine your own destiny puts un-necessary burden on your fragile soul? Now, you have another set of expectations to meet. Another set of standards to reach.

Do not get me wrong. I totally believe in you being the master of your own destiny. You should NEVER put the blame on anything or anyone else. Cause absolving yourself only makes you a weakling and a pawn of Fate.

I also believe you CAN change if you so decide but it's not an easy thing.

But nothing is one sided. I'm analyzing the situation and this is what I see. If not, you would think that there will be many Anthony Robbins or Adam Khoo in this world. Or how about another 1000 Bill Gates or whoever?

They are still a minority. What's wrong? Maybe what they are selling isn't working. Chew on that.
Choices? It's not as simple as you think it is. Sometimes I wish I have that choice.

Spiderman ...

2007-05-09T00:03:00.000+08:00

SPIDERMAN

I've always admire Spiderman the motion pictures. The hero is so human with all his struggles with himself and his desires to be somebody, to make a difference and be the man.

Spiderman 3 did not disappoint even though I thought the ending was a little too contrived to pull the tears from the audience. I felt a tug but it was not enough to cause an outpour and I supposed they dragged it for too long.

And as with all 2 previous Spidy movies, the point was we always have a choice. The power of the choices we make in life is always poignant so far in the trilogy. But I question whether focusing too much on the power of our choice could give us the illusion of a choice?

I know we shouldn't blame the situations, the circumstances and others for what happens to us. We must be responsible. It's not what happen to us but how we react to them that determines the outcome of our lives.

But I'm thinking, swing to the other extreme and you end up thinking you have a choice when perhaps you don't? You might be like Sand Man, you didn't choose to be all these.

I feel like that many times. Several of those situations I know I had a choice. Yet for those few rare moments, I do not think I have a choice. Yes, one could argue that I could choose my next step. But when you didn't choose to end up like this, then you question the power of your choice.

Illusion of a choice? Or do we really have the power to choose? Saying that there's an illusion of a choice doesn't equal to a defeatist mentality. It just makes you more aware and perhaps more perceptive of certain situations in others' or maybe your own life?

I know I didn't choose to be all these.

I do not know what gave me this infection but it's really bad. Never had such a bad viral infection. Was shivering all day yesterday and today. Been having some sharp pains around my tummy. Muscles feel all weak and even tingling. Even my joints are aching like crazy. Plus the diarrhea and stomach discomfort, it was pure agony.

Several things happened in school recently. Personal issues with some students. Some ended well while others ... oh well ... you can never force someone to want an education.

I blog an entire entry about Project $10 with Min Ning, Hong Hoon, Karan and Fadly but it didn't come out and got lost in cyber space. Sigh. We had fun at Bugis Junction(again) and I guess all of them went home with something they really wanted at the end of the day.

I really didn't choose to be all these.

Relapse ...

2007-04-24T18:30:00.000+08:00

RELAPSE

I suspect I'm having a relapse.
The symptoms are coming back. I just hope it's not true.
I do not wish to go back to the medication again. I hate them pills and their side effects.

I really do not know what else to do.
I do not believe that actually thinking about the class gives me such a bad headache. My head hurts.

The strangest thing I cannot understand why you can be so nice to me but why not the other teachers? And it seems like the class is getting from bad to worse.

Takes so long to get things done. Everyone is like a walking zombie. Sigh. I really feel like crying. From the pain and all the disappointment. No, I'm not disappointed with the class.

I'm disappointed with myself. Because I'm useless and do not how to help you all anymore. I'm even sick of my own nagging. I just wish that all of you will be more 'zhen qi'. I do not want people to look down on you.

You cannot just let life pass you by. You must seize life and decide the direction of your boat. And go after it. I just feel that you need to change this lazy and can't be bothered attitude.

How can I even be a good teacher when I cannot even teach you to have the right attitude? I must be a failure since I cannot even teach you to respect people. I must be doing something wrong to have the class being so 'bochup'. I'm so lousy that I cannot even motivate you.

I'm at the end of myself. I never had any regrets about the class. But I must admit I do not know how else to continue. Is it that difficult to help someone see the light?

Is it really that difficult to be a good teacher? Sigh.
Creator I need help. The pain is killing me.

Learn ...

2007-04-18T22:16:00.000+08:00

LEARN

I seriously wonder what will make you learn? I wonder how you will finally wake up and see the light. What more must I do? What else can I do?

If bleeding a pint of blood will do it, I would be most happy to do it. Or will going down on my knees for 6 hours do the trick?

Recent spat of events have brought such utter disappointment. How do you continue to hope when people just do not seem to change? I'm even sick of my own nagging.

In the movie Stomp The Yard, the ending credits had a famous quote from Martin Luther King Jr. It says," Intelligence and Character is the goal of a true education."

What's the point of passing exams and getting promoted each year when you do not know how to listen and follow instructions? So what if you have an 'O' Level Certificate when you do not even know how to respect authorities and your own peers?
So what if you are so smart that you are always trying to beat the system and you do not even know how to be responsible?

Year in year out, you strive to make a difference in their lives. You aimed to arm them with fore knowledge of the future so that they will lead their lives with no regrets. And yet, year in and year out, I'm confronted by the failure of my pathetic effort.

Can one man, one person, one boy, one girl or one average Joe make a difference? Sure! Why not? The sky's the limit! Impossible is nothing! If there's a will, there's a way!

And I wish I still believe in all that hype.

Let's talk about something else. What does a security guard in a boutique have to do? Walk around and look menacing? Stand in one obvious corner of the shop and act as a deterrent against theft?

Or look himself in the many mirrors in the boutique and adjust his fringe, his uniform and see if his tummy is showing? I actually caught a security guard doing just that in Zara at Vivocity. And he was doing that at the women's section. Maybe he's trying to bait some hot chicks?

Just a silly observation that truly amused me. Sigh, I feel drained emotionally. Yet I cannot give up.

Rachel! How's life? Hope everything is well in Canada! You take care yeah?

Solo ...

2007-04-15T18:13:00.000+08:00

SOLO

Going to the movies alone is quite liberating. I know I know. I might get alot of sticks for saying this but what's wrong with watching a movie alone?

Very few people would appreciate this or even think I must be real weird. Truth is we live in a world that makes us ever dependent on people. I know of people who would not eat lunch because there's no one to eat it with them.

Some feel totally lonely whenever they are without friends or family members. I think it's very important to be comfortable in your own skin. Alone. It brings a fresh perspective to everything you see. It heightens your observation skills. It makes you more aware of your surrounding.

And you know you can survive on your own. To be able to stand alone and declare to the world I'm good with myself.

We live in a world that fights for our attention all the time. We are seldom and never alone. Even if physically we are alone, there's always the phone and the people on MSN chatting with us. It's not easy to fly solo.

FREEDOM WRITERS was a fantastic show. I totally identify with the character in the movie. As a teacher, you constantly ask yourself, what can I do to help the kids? And sometimes, you have to go against the system and fight for what you want/need. But I'm also made aware, could I be doing too much? At the expense of my personal life?

BECAUSE I SAID SO was kind of sweet. Reminds me of someone I know. Seriously it's very difficult to fathom the human mind and psyche.

SUNSHINE was throughly thought provoking. The concept of years on a space mission, carrying the burden of saving the world on your tiny human shoulders and the psychotic terrorist who used 'god' as an excuse to kill and take away human lives came across in a very vivid and stark manner.

Yes I watched all those alone and it was good. Even cried buckets during FREEDOM WRITERS cause of the raw emotions and the identification with the characters.

I just pray that I'll be half as effective in helping my students as she did. Sigh.

Wrong ...

2007-04-10T21:14:00.000+08:00

WRONG

I'm not sure what is wrong with me but I have been feeling so unwell these 2 days. Despite having at least 5-6 hours of sleep each day, I still feel so tired and lethargic every morning.

And my body aches like crazy. I just hope it's not a relapse. I cannot afford to have another episode or attack again. I do not want to have to go back to the specialist again.

Mondays are really bad for me. And it's only because I have to squeeze everything on Monday cause it's impossible to have it on other days. Again I had 3 things going on at the same time; Junyuan Superstar audition, the Semi-finals for the debate and my PE class.

Once again, thanks to some very special people, everything managed to happened without too much of a glitch. Khairi and Thor were awesome as the chairMEN. And the councillors did well to get the Superstar auditionees ready.

I was just wondering why many of the auditionees last year didn't join the audition again this year. Every year is a fresh start and you never know until you try. Oh well, we had some good ones yesterday. Hopefully the boys will be as good, if not better on Thursday.

3E1 didn't get into the finals for the Debate. But I'm extremely proud of them. They gave 3E5 a hard fight and the difference was only 2 points out of a possible 200. And when I look at the speakers for 3E5, I must say that my class did very well.

And from what I heard, it was a debate worth staying back for. Maybe that should have been the finals. I'm extremely indebted to Natasha who was told to be the 4th speaker on the day itself because Fairus was not around. Aryani, Quraisha and Fadhly did very well too.

I'm at my wits end to help certain ones in my class. Maybe the soft approach and being caring and understanding doesn't help people to change at all.
Perhaps the other teachers are right. Sometimes I feel like a complete idiot. Maybe I'm just a fool being played around by my students.

I'm tired and completely spent. But life goes on. And most importantly, the One who lights up my world lives in me. I need to press on.

Beat ...

2007-04-05T12:14:00.000+08:00

BEAT

The Investiture was a success. There was only 2-3 small glitches. At least everything ran according to plan and we ended right on time! Amazing. And the whole event was smooth from beginning to end without any delays or awkward period of waiting.

I'm proud of the councillors. TO THE MAX!
When I looking at the video by the sec 4s(both videos) I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. And the emotions were nearly choking me. You do not spend one year working closely with a group of people and feel nothing.

Sometimes I 'hate' my profession. Because every year, every batch, I feel that a part of me dies. I wonder how long I can last in this job. It's always so sad and emotional when a batch graduates or when one batch takes over another. I miss my sec 1 PE classes last year(sec 2s this year). I miss 3E3'06(4E3'07). I miss 4E3'06. I'm already missing all the sec 4 councillors.

It just feel different and kinda weird now in the Student Council. The sec 3 councillors are capable and wonderful. But it's just different without all the sec 4s. And it's not just the BBS. Am I looking for the Sec 3 to take their place? Nope. They will just create their own special place in my heart.

I probably never say this publicly before. Working as a teacher is really quite stressful and demanding. Because you are dealing with lives and the job scope is so wide. Sure, every other job has their challenges but the going is so tough in the teaching profession that I have honestly thought about leaving.

But the one constant group of people who made it very difficult to just quit are the councillors. I do not profess that all of them are angels and perfect. No one is. At least I know they got the best attitude. When you correct them, they will change. They listen to instructions and know how to think for others too.

Attitude is very important. I know for sure that most if not all my councillors have a tremendous attitude towards their work and people. Again, I'm not saying that they do not make mistakes. But at least they will learn from them.

It was tremendous when they beat together to the sound on a single beat on stage. It was one of those performances that everyone in the hall were paying attention. Even though I thought the audience could have clapped and cheered more, I think they were captivated by the item. Hahaha! Better than singing a song and blowing bubbles in the air? Hahaha!

I'm PROUD of Junyuan Student Council! Thank you people for adding colours to my world. Love all of ya! As students lah! Hahaha!

Oreo-rized ...

2007-04-02T20:52:00.000+08:00

OREO-RIZED

I really do not believe today. I mean how busy can you get? I didn't even grab lunch. The only food I got for the entire day were 2 packets of milo and 9 pieces of Oreo biscuits. With lots of plain water through out the day.

I 'hate' it when I have to do everything. I mean sometimes I cannot understand people. Yes even when they are like mature adults and you think they would THINK. Do you expect things to appear from thin air? Everything will fall into the place without any hard work? Without any planning or doing all the background work?

This is why sometimes I prefer to do things alone. I mean what's difference when I end up having to do everything? And I still have the Investiture and so many other things too.

I wish I can split myself into 3 or 4 today at 3:45pm.
I had 4E1 PE lesson and 2.4km Napfa Test.
Then I have the Sec 3 Interclass Debate with 4 debates taking place.
And my form and English class 3E1 is involved and we didn't have enough time to prepare.
Then I have the Council rehearsal for the Investiture.
At one point, I cannot believe how many things I'm involved in at ONE SINGLE MOMENT.

How did I do it? Answer? I didn't. Credit goes to Hafiz, Shaohui & The EXCOs for rehearsing with the councillors. Good job. Well done.
I also had 4 excellent chairmen/women for the debate. Thank you Khairi, Amirah, Khairin and Thor. What can I say? You people are excellent.
I'm proud of the 4 debaters from my class too. Fairus, Quraisha, Aryani and Fadhly did well I believe. I mean with so little time and notice. Not much coaching from me too. I LOVE 3E1!

The Council percussion item is sounding good. I heard it from outside the hall. There's only one segment that is still very messy. I'm praying for an excellent performance on Wendesday. Come on SC! I LOVE the COUNCILLORS!

My back hurts. Was quite angry with 1E6. 1E1 was ok but still not as good as 1T1. I'm really proud of 1T1. At least almost all of them forced themselves to run at the length. Sometimes I think all the sacrifices are in vain when I put my life on line to run with them.

But my principle will still stand. I will continue and run with the classes. Until I really cannot move. Backache or not. I think running is still ok as long as I don't do shuttle runs or standing board jumps. I really cannot demonstrate those 2 stations.

I'm really tired. But your body is much stronger than you think it is. Felina run such a splendid timing for her 2.4km despite her condition. Proud of you girl! Push ... and push somemore. That's living life to the max. Go away aches and pain.

Nerve ...

2007-04-01T16:13:00.000+08:00

NERVE

I think my back injury isn't about the bones or the muscles. Seemed to have pulled something else. Good news is I do not feel the pain in most positions. But the bad news is when I'm in some position or stretching the back in a certain direction, the pain is sharp and excruciating.

Giving it a few more days and if it's not feeling better, I'll go see a sinsei that my brother in law recommended. It does feel better compared to Wednesday but I'm just contemplating about running with the classes tomorrow.

It was a happening week in school. Thanks to my form class. Spent an hour calling up four parents to inform them about their sons being caned for truancy. Sigh. I do not know how to describe the emotions.

I could literally hear the disappointment over the line from the parents whenever I'm calling them about something bad about their children. It doesn't matter whether it's their results or behaviour but one thing is common, they feel so disappointed.

Had a good chat with all of them too. I just hope they will change and turn over a new leaf. At least all I can say is life with 3E1 is never boring. But I really want to see all of them getting promoted to 4E1 with good grades. I've already lost one student. I DO NOT WISH TO LOSE ANOTHER ONE.

Things are hotting up in school. There's the debate competition coming up. And Superstar & Dancefloor auditions in the next two weeks. Not to mention the Council Investiture this coming Wednesday.

I just pray for one smooth show and something that will fire up the crowd. Definitely wouldn't want a boring assembly programme. Hahaha!
I hope the Tshirts are nice. Will be seeing them tomorrow.

Easter is next Friday. Eggs anyone?

Hero ...

2007-03-28T21:04:00.000+08:00

HERO

Yeah I'm the 'hero'. I should have known better to exert myself when I just got back from a bout of illness. And everytime I tell myself not to be that gungho and to go easy on myself.

I know why my ankle hurt. It's from the running. But I have no idea when I sprained my back. It hurts like mad now; every movement is such an agony. I think I was surviving on adrenaline earlier during the lesson. I didn't even know how bad it was until about 20 minutes after the lesson.

Could be the shuttle run or the standing broad jumps. Age is catching up with me! Now I can only think of way to kill the pain. Get high on adrenaline! I think running myself to the ground will help. It really hurts.

And my headache is getting from bad to worse. I think I'm suffering from dehydration too. I seriously do not believe how much I can perspire. And it didn't help that I was probably dehydrated from all the diarrhea.

Today's rehearsal was a blast. I know everyone was tired and drained. But finally we have what looks and sounds like an item. At least it's about 60% now. Need to up to 80% or 90% at least. Good job councillors!

On Monday, it will be the rest of the programme. And we do not have a lot of time on that day too. Since we might only be able to start late. I hate this timetable. It's so difficult to get things done because there are people ending late at certain days.

4 students didn't come to school today. Sometimes I really do not know how else to help my class. Do I keep on believing? Do I keep on trusting? Do I keep on forgiving? Am I asking for too much?

They say those you love the most will hurt you the most. Maybe I care too much? Maybe I have too much expectations? But I just can't force myself not to care.

Gosh I think I'm running a fever. I feel so cold when the air conditioning is on and I feel so feverish when it's off.

Tomorrow is the day.

Abs ...

2007-03-27T20:37:00.000+08:00

ABS

Contrary to some 'myth' I do not have super abs. Definitely not the 6 packs you see on every actor in the movie 300. I wonder how everyone of them Spartans had those gorgeous looking abs.

I've been having some serious problems with my abdominal area for the past 2 days. I'm not sure if it's food poisoning or stomach flu. The doctor seemed to think it's viral.

It hurts and I had nothing else but air inside my intestines but still I felt like going to the bathroom so very often. Sigh. I hate being sick.

Now 1E1 and 1E2 have missed 2 lessons. Have to catch up with them quickly.
Seriously, I kinda missed the classes.

The Investiture is one week away. I'm so up to my neck and this bout of illness is not helping. I can never seem to clear my load of marking. Then there is the Sec 3 Debate Competition next week. Everything is clashing together for I do not know why?

Then there is Superstar and Dancefloor auditions. And the Investiture is like only 20% done. I really do not 'like' events. Once again, it's the details that I hate. What separates a good and perfect show and a disastrous one are the details. MAKER, I need help!

On a lighter note, Saturday rehearsal was a semi success. I guess I should have trusted my instinct. It was just impossible to get 80 amateurs to hit to a single beat with different overlapping rhythms. Even to get them to hit the same rhythm together was a tough enough challenge.

Kudos to the councillors who managed to do it. I LOVE MY COUNCILLORS. They are a very special group of people. Special to my heart. I often find it hardest to let them go. It's ok if you do not understand my previous statement.

I hate to be sick and I want to go back to school tomorrow.

Carrie ...

2007-03-22T23:40:00.000+08:00

CARRIE

Nah not Carrie Underwood. Hahaha!

Oh well, 98.7FM came to my school yesterday. The girls went totally crazy over Shan Wee. And why not? With his Eurasian good looks and towering height, it was no wonder he made all the girls drooled. Female teachers included. Hahaha!

Then something happened. My version is the FULL version detailing the culprits and mastermind. Apparently my vice principal thinks I need help to get hitched. So he instigated Mdm Fauziah to try and matchmake me with Carrie Chong.

I seriously went down to the washroom because ... I had to go lah! Hahaha!
On my way down, I heard someone asking Carrie if she's married. And I think her reply was she is very very very very single and very available. Trust her to be sporting and to raise the stakes.

I do not know how I got involved. What I heard was the kids starting to recommend my name or something to that effect. Then some enthusiatic sec 1 and sec 2 students volunteered a string of adjectives to describe me that even I almost choked when I heard them(after the whole incident).

And so since I was missing from the hall, a group of councillors(led by the President himself) and 2 teachers came down to knock on the toilet door to look for me. Sigh. I guess I didn't like to be cornered. So I chose not to go up. And I had to shower because I was in a stinking wet Tshirt since I just had PE lesson with 4E3. I had to rush for an appointment too.

Today, there was a mini public forum going on about this at my corner of the staffroom. And almost every kid I saw today asked me where I was yesterday. Hahaha!

On a more serious note, I think Carrie is a wonderful girl. Guess I rue the fact that I missed the chance to be up close and personal with her. So I'm going to strike out on my own to make contact.

And on an even more serious note, I do not even know know her at all. Therefore it's ridiculous to think I'm in love or infatuated with her. I just think she would be a great friend in life. At least, that's the image she portrays.

I also do not think I'm ready for any relationship now. Don't ask for details. I know what I'm struggling with.

I know I must be mad to say this but I really do love Junyuan Secondary School. And it's not the buildings. I mean I love the people - the students and my colleagues. Thank God for them.

I'm happy today too because almost everyone in 3E1 came to school today. Maybe it's time I write them a letter.

Angel ...

2007-03-20T01:17:00.000+08:00

ANGEL
(inspired by the song playing on my blog)

Jake pulled the blanket to her shoulders to tuck Sarah into bed. Sarah slid her hands out from under the blanket and held Jake's right hand. Her tiny hands barely covered his palm even though there were two of them.
"Papa, is something making you sad?"

Sarah never ceases to amaze Jake. Not since the moment they met during that fateful night. It was 9 years ago. He could still remember how much he wanted to end it all. He was in the depth of his depression and even the anti-depressants he was taking weren't helping him. He stared at the exposed plug and the socket which was switched on. He wanted to end it all.

Just then, someone rang the bell of his Bishan flat on the ground floor. He could hear someone shouting followed by some hurried steps. But when he opened the door, all he could hear was a baby crying in a basin at the doorstep. He took a quick glance around and cursed the irresponsible parents who left the baby girl at his gate.

Then he took the baby inside and started to cuddle it, trying to quell her loud cries. Soon she fell asleep lying her head on his shoulder. Jake made a quick call to his mom for help. And the notion for suicide melted in the busy-ness of caring for a baby.

It didn't take long before he fell in love with the girl. Maybe it was the way she looked at him with those big hazel eyes of hers. Maybe it was because she kept his mind occupied. Maybe it was because for the 1st time in Jake's life, he had someone to live for, someone to depend on him for her existence.

The legal proceeding was complicated and he had to go through so much red tape just to adopt her as his own. His parents were against the idea but his friends were supportive of his decision. It wasn't long before the affection of his heart became the centre of his friends' attention too.

It wasn't easy being a single parent but Jake saw little Sarah grew up. Her 1st steps, her 1st words(Papa), her 1st day at day care, then Kindergarten and finally primary school were fondly remembered by Jake. She was conscientious but talkative. Totally perceptive and yet so straightforward. And she just have a gift with people.

Jake was looking forward to her entering into secondary school, JC, a university scholarship and finally settling down with the man of her dreams. He had even planned on what he will say on her wedding day. At least half of it.

Now it seemed like he might never have that chance. All those hopes were dashed when Sarah's birth parents contacted him yesterday. He didn't care about their sob story or how successful they are now. He didn't even take in their promises that they will take good care of Sarah from now. He wasn't even concerned about their plea for a 2nd chance to be the parents they never was.

"Has Pa ever told you what an angel you are to me?" Jake said, his voice almost breaking.
"Every night you do that Papa. If you tell me anymore, I think I will grow wings like a real angel. Why are you crying Papa?"

There was so much strength and warmth in those little hands of her. Jake used his other hand to wipe away the tears from the corner of his eyes.

"Papa is afraid that you will be taken away from me by some very bad people. Papa is afraid of losing you," Jake whispered softly.
"Then I'll be your special angel and fly back to you. I love you Papa. You are the best father in the world. No matter what happens, no one can take your place in my heart."

Jake was shocked at her perceptive reply and all he could say was,"No one can take your place in my heart too my dear angel and no one will take you away from me. No one."

With that, Jake let go of those small strong hands and pulled the blanket up to her shoulder one more time and gave Sarah a good night kiss on her forehead. As he stood at the door after switching off the lights, he whispered a desperate prayer and closed the door.

Sarah too was praying. She was praying for wings so that she could fly away from the bad people and stay with Papa.

Cycle ...

2007-03-17T08:14:00.000+08:00

CYCLE

Everything is starting again.
The cycle is beginning again, just when I thought it was ending. It's strange that most people interpret this to be something negative.

For the Sec 4s, it's already the end. Now is the time they drop everything and concentrate on their 'O' level. For the rest of the Student Council, this is the start of another cycle. The madness begins.

Somehow while we were all busy planning for the various events, you could feel the adrenaline in the room. The Investiture is in 3 weeks. No. It's only 2 and a half weeks. Lotsa things going on at the same time too.

Someone asked to be my angel. I feel like a giant Lion Fish at times. People who care or love me will be poisoned when they come too near. Maybe it's better if I push everyone away. I do not want to hurt anyone or disappoint people around me.

The venomous barbs of the lion fish are for defence purposes. Perhaps my defence mechanism is stronger than I realized. Someone told me a few days back that I'm unreachable. Am I that guarded? Maybe the well I'm in is deeper and thicker that I can imagine.

One student mentioned that my blog is very 'emo'. 'Emo' is a slang for emotional. Based on that observation, the student thinks I'm not motivated.

I do not deny that I'm 'emo'. I did not choose to be this way but this is how I was made and how I was brought up. Circumstances have shaped me to be like this. I do not run away from who I am. I live with it everyday and even when it's very frustrating at times, I cannot deny myself.

But I've learnt to live with my 'emo' self. And I've learnt to fight it and still continue to live a life that strive to make a difference wherever I go.

I cannot change this heart of mine.
I cannot change how small I feel at times.
I cannot change how unloved I feel at times.
I cannot change how I'm such a pessimist and how I look down on myself.
I cannot change how I wake up wishing to curl up in corner and die by my lonely self.
BUT everyday I strive ...
To make the best of each day.
To work hard to make up for my lack of talents.
To give my 100% in everything I do.
To be the difference in the lives of those around me.
To love and care for the people around me.
To get the most out of an 'emo' life.
To squeeze whatever good things that Life stingly has kept away from me.

Yes I'm extremely 'emo'; but no I will not live an underachieving 'emo' life. I CHOOSE to overcome it.

Tears ...

2007-03-13T10:18:00.000+08:00

TEARS

The Sec 1 Camp was a success. Everything went smoothly and despite the fact that things could have been better(or perfect), it was a good camp.

Everyone enjoyed themselves. Campfire night was unbelievable. The atmosphere and the way the Sec 1 performed, cheered and danced was simply awesome. Really proud of all of them and the group leaders. And the best thing was I was standing at one corner for 90% of the camp without having to do much.

In fact for most of the activities of the camp, I didn't have to be so actively involved. The Exco did a great job in making sure that things ran according to plan. Sure things could have been better but the fact that I didn't have to get myself involved in everything proved what a great job they did.

The campers definitely enjoyed themselves. Everyone was so supportive. Except for a few individuals, all of them were very well behaved. I'm proud of the Sec 1 2007 JYSS. They simply ROCK to the MAX!

The camp is moving in a positive direction. There were improvement made to last year and a genuine attempt to make every activity better. We shouldn't rest on our laurels and think that we have got the perfect camp. I thought the camp handbook was a very good improvement this year.

The unexpected happened on Saturday. I really didn't want to send the 6 of you packing back home. I know I wouldn't want to be sent back if I was you. But what all of you did was unacceptable. It is really quite serious and you could have gotten the school into some trouble.

I do not regret my decision to send you back from the camp. Despite the fact that we had to rearrange for other CIs(Camp Instructor) to take your duties. But I only knew how disappointed I was and how hurt I was by my own decision when I was speaking to the rest of the CIs that night.

I didn't expect myself to cry. Technically I didn't. The tears welled up in my eyes and I guess only those sitting in the 1st few rows noticed my eyes being filled to the brim. I guess they noticed the trembling of my jaw and lips typical of people sobbing and trying to talk at the same time.

I paused a few times to stop myself from crying. I've always trusted my CIs and my student leaders. I treat them like adults, like responsible people who know what they should do and what they shouldn't do. And I'm always proud of them. Like I said, I didn't know how much they mean to me until the tears came unbidded to my eyes.

I was so tired from the camp. Slept for 12 hours for two days, not to mention I still went back to sch till 6:30pm yesterday to pack the Sec 1 Camp stores.
And this holiday is a mockery since I'll be back almost everyday except for Tuesday.

Rain

2007-03-05T22:42:00.000+08:00

RAIN

I'm not praying for it. No. In fact I pray that it will not rain on Saturday at all. Not on Friday too. Or Sunday for that matter.
Having rain will destroy months of planning and hardwork.

However I would love to get under the rain once again.
It feels so different and refreshing.

Very tired. As usual. Exhausted. But Life knocks every morning and I wake up to answer her call. Half of me wish she would stop knocking so I can sleep for a long long time. The other half is excited to jump out of bed and fight again.

Work is piling like a skyscraper. I feel like a dwarf next to the giant of demands and expectation. Both from others and myself. I can't wait for the camp. And I can't wait for the camp to be over.

3E1 needs a lot of help. And I love them.

Spent ...

2007-02-28T21:53:00.000+08:00

SPENT

I feel very sick everyday.
My whole body aches like crazy.
My ankle and old injury is acting up again.
I'm losing my voice and I really feel very exhausted.
I'm so tired that even breathing is so painful and tedious.

And I still have to handle all the disappointment and some trouble making kids who are not even from my form class or the Council. Kids who are arrogant and stuck up and think they are always right.

I did not want to open up that can of worms. Every year, the same things happen.
Since you couldn't take no for an answer, then I'm sorry that I will have to break your heart and ditch your dirty laundry out in public. And you still cannot see that you have a huge problem. What's wrong with you?

I'm really bothered by something. A lone tear just streaked down my right cheek. After so many years on this planet, I'm still fearful of making a choice. My heart is so heavy that it will sink to the bottom of the sea if I'm to gorge it out.

I just hope you, you and all of you understand why I'm doing all the things I do.
I'm punching walls again and my knuckles hurt.

I come from another place and do not belong here. This is not my home. I'm living in a wrong era. The frustration is tormenting.
I'm punching walls again and my knuckles hurt.

Fever ...

2007-02-21T20:33:00.000+08:00

FEVER

My kids always say they have camp fever for like weeks after a camp.
It's the fervour and the euphoria of all the cheers, energy and teamwork.
I do not mind their fever but I'm having one of my own.

I'm stressed to the MAX. This year's CNY is creating havoc on all my schedule. The Sec 1 Camp has so many things that's still not done. And I still have all my other concerns like Student Council, class, marking and Sec 2 Camp Survey.

School is making such demand on our time. I just do not understand the management at times. Oh well, the system is flawed in a major way. But life goes on and I must fight, resist and survive.

I'm tired. I'm stretched. I feel very burdened. I just hope we'll make it. I hope I will make it.

Sweets ...

2007-02-16T07:58:00.000+08:00

SWEETS

It all started with a piece of Mentos sweet. Mr Lai, their form teacher in primary 4, was giving the class sweets to reward them for doing so well in their recent test.

"May I exchange mine with you?" Celine asked. "I prefer the pink ones." she said as she showed Julius the singlely wrapped purple candy in the centre of her palm.

"Sure. I prefer the grape flavour anyway." And so their friendship started. It blossomed in something as sweet as the Mentos that started it. On Celine's 16th birthday, he got her a candy basket and asked her to be his girlfriend. She agreed.

They became the ideal couple. All their friends jested that they were the fairytale couple who grew up together from childhood and would end up spending their sunset years as a loving couple. Their parents and relatives knew about them too. Every Chinese New Year, they would go visitation with each other's family. Marriage was imminent.

On their 10th Valentine's Day together, Julius created a masterpiece from $400 worth of candies. He used sweets and chocolates of different brands and colour to make a giant size portray of Celine. And then he proposed.

"Julius, I'm ... I'm ... " was all she could say.
"So would you please marry me?" Julius asked again.

"There's something you should know Julius. You know you can get tired from having the same sweets all the time? I just feel that everything about us is so ... so mundane. I think it's time I change. I need something fresh in my life. I'm sorry."

"What are you talking about darling? I still love the same grape flavoured Mentos! And I love you." Julius protested.

"I'm sorry Julius but I think we should take a break from this relationship." And then she walked away.

It was not for another 7 years before they saw each other again. Strangest of coincidences, it was in Candy Empire at Vivocity.

"Julius? Is that you?"
"Celine? Hi! It's been a long time! Erm, is this your son?"
"Yes," Celine replied and turned to coo to the little boy,"Marcus, say 'hi' to Uncle Julius."

Julius also introduced his daughter, Winnie, to Celine. After getting what their kids wanted, they trotted down to Pacific Cafe for a chat. It was there that they learnt about each other's marriages. And their subsequent divorce.

"Can I have the purple one?" Marcus said outloud like a typical 3 year old.
"Ok. You can have the purple one and I will take the pink one." Winnie replied as she gave Marcus the purple jelly bean and took a pink one to pop inside her mouth.

The whole cafe turned to see Celine and Julius laughing out loud in one corner. They could not have guessed why a couple with 2 small children would laugh with such intensity.
"Let's meet up sometime again Julius?"
"Sure. I would love to."

Valentine

2007-02-13T22:58:00.000+08:00

VALENTINE

I have to say this. I seriously do not understand what's the big deal about Valentine's Day. This year, I am consciously making a decision not to celebrate it. I do not see why you need a special day to let someone knows that she is special to you.

Maybe it's a good day for those who have a mad crush on someone to go express their affection. Perhaps it's a good opportunity to pop the million dollars question on your knees. I guess all the euphoria and lovey dovey atmosphere gives one the extra courage or dulls the usual senses so one could do the incredible and sometimes stupid stunts.

On the flipside, I do not wish to be someone's Valentine only on the 14th Feb. Why can't it be every single other day? Why must we buy gifts on Christmas, birthdays or V Day? Why can't we just buy something nice for someone nice when we feel nice? Ok ok ok, that was an example of someone with limited vocabulary.

If I truly wish to be special, then on Valentine's Day, there will be no roses. There will not be an extravagantly expensive dinner. Nope, not even chocolates. And even if I'm attached, it will be a no fuss kinda date.

A quiet stroll at the reservior?
Sitting on the breakwaters, listening to the waves?
Catching a good movie or DVD at home?
Jogging around the estate or playing a game together?
How about a supper of kaya toast and half boiled eggs at a kopitiam underneath the HDB block?

No fancy gifts or big teddy bears.
No musical cards or grand bouquet of flowers.
Just words and sweet whisper.
And the warm embrace of that special someone.

Be special. Don't do what the world is doing. Let everyday be Valentine's Day if you have that someone. You never know what tomorrow will bring.

Got the news today that my class won the Decoration for CNY. I was elated since we did put in a lot of hardwork. But even in the sweetness of victory, I do not like the way that we've won.

It's not about winning the game that's important. It's about how we PLAYED the game. I'm not too satisfied because not everyone chipped in during the preparation phrase. Maybe I rather we didn't win but we did the decoration together as a class. For me the journey and process is much more important.

I'm ranting again. The heart is more sick than it was. My headache is back. My body truly aches. I wish for some sweet release. The poison in my body seemed to have turned darker and is spreading to every part of my soul and mind. I'm sick.

For once, my heart is weeping but my eyes are dry. Why can't I let it out anymore?

President ...

2007-02-10T18:23:00.000+08:00

President

The 3rd Student Council Presidential Election is in full swing.
As of now, almost 300 students have voted. There are still 1100 more votes to be won and there's another few hundred votes by the teachers.

The election is a little more lively this year. Kudos to all the 5 candidates and their election team. Well done people!

Sec 1 Camp planning is in full swing. The planning started in the December holidays. But now everything is moving into full gears! Things are shaping up. Next week, we'll be ordering all the food and stores.

Many things have happened. Bad things. I'm clueless about how to help my class. Sigh. I don't know why I'm so tired. I really want to do something in their lives. But I'm so limited. So finite. Sometimes I wish I have some superpowers to be more available, read their minds, stop time or travel back in time, help with their emotions or do something extraordinary.

I think 4E3 did well in their O levels. Most of them at least. 26 of them scored Bs and above for their English. The rest of them got C5 or C6. I seriously think it's possible to score a B for English. Some of the girls in the class scored a B3 when they have been getting C5 or C6 in school. Then again, English is also quite dangerous and unpredictable. Some of the better ones didn't seem to score as well. It really depends on your essay, situational writing and the comprehension. But I always believe one can score in Oral and Summary Writing.

The heart is not getting better. I wonder why.

2Ls

2007-02-03T17:30:00.000+08:00

LIVE!

The sec 2 had a camp from 31st Jan till 2 Feb. It was fantastic. I know many of them are still having camp fever. And to think so many of them wanted to go home during lunchtime on the 1st day.

The camp was to build more character and help instill more discipline into the students. And it's amazing what Junyuan students are capable of. I'm really very proud of our students. Extremely proud. I might not have the best students in Singapore but I have VERY GOOD students who have great potential in life.

Sure some of them are difficult. But each of them can do so much and be so good when they CHOOSE to. Kudos to the Platoon Mentors who brought out the best in them too. Major Gopal & Captain Jeff did a great job too.

Once again I feel so blessed to have all of them as my students. And I realized how much I miss teaching them PE.

LOVE

If I can ask God one question, it would be,"Are we created to only love intensely ONCE? And no more?"

I've loved intensely twice, maybe thrice in my life. Something triggered me to ask myself how much more can I fall in love? Can I? Because seriously I feel so tired, jaded and worn out.

I looked at my own reflection and see a man who can no longer give or love as intensely as before. Am I dead even though I still walk the earth?

I'm clueless about what happened or why I am feeling this way. And it's not for lack of searching for the answer. Perhaps I can never experience the intensity of finding the love of my life.

Two ...

2007-01-25T00:24:00.000+08:00

TWO

There's two things that I so wanna do when I'm well.

I want to run non stop for an hour at least. I simply cannot understand why the dentist forbid me to go jogging. I wish to run like the wind, feel the exhilaration of the race, have my body drenched in perspiration and me trying to catch my breath.

I want to feast on everything and anything HARD! I hate it when every bite or chewing motion gives me so much pain. I want to eat lotsa rice with curry on it. I want to eat burgers, fries and chicken wings. I want to eat noodles, crunch on snacks and crack a nut! I would so love to be a glutton. Just for a day.

Watch out world! I'm breaking free on Saturday!

NeoPrints ...

2007-01-23T09:12:00.000+08:00

NEOPRINTS

Went out with the first group for Project $10. It was really a girls' day out and an eye opener for me. Hahaha! We started the day at PastaMania for lunch. And already Elaine got the bulk of the jokes. She's really estatic.

Next we went to pick up this Tshirt that Elaine has ordered the day before. Actually that's the only reason why we chose to meet in Bugis. Quite a nice tee from this Pure Milk shop.

After that we shopped around. Nothing much happened except I gave the girls my first time. Alright, stop having zany ideas about the 'first time'. For the first time in my life, I took a neo print. Hahaha! It was really an experience.

The machine looks a little cheesy actually. And I didn't even know you have 8 shots!
I was running out of pose! The girls, being so experienced, kept changing positions and pose with the typical victory sign.

I don't know why but in the prints, we all looked as if we were wearing eyeliner. And I looked like I had makeup on! It was funny too how the girls tried to decorate the pics in record breaking time since there were other people in the booth.

After we saw Stephanie and Shijie, who happened to work in Bugis. Vanessa kept saying that some of the clothes in bugis are so aunty. Hahaha! At least I know what appeal to her.

We then went on to Bugis Village. Stepharina bought some black rings for her grandma. I believe she has a very close relationship with her grandma.

Pamela was busy smsing someone throughout the outing. So when we got to Cityhall to have icecream at Haagen Daz, I was trying to dig out her secret. Oh well, I didn't get the truth out but the girls spilled the beans on many other people! Hahaha!

It was a good outing because I really had fun. And I did get to know them just that little bit better. Looking forward to the next Project $10 outing.

I just took out my 2 wisdom teeth yesterday. Gosh! It hurts! And the bleeding hasn't stopped completely. Sigh and I've got an allergic reaction to the painkillers. My right eye is now swollen. I looked like a complete freak!

And I really can't eat anything. I tried swallowing some porridge yesterday and it was agonizing. Now I can only drink glucose. And even swallowing saliva is a painful ordeal.

And the taste of blood is always there in the mouth. It's really disgusting. Oh well, at least I'm ingesting my own blood since I can't eat anything else. But I still don't think I'm cut out to be a Dracula. My mouth tastes and smells like a steel pipe. Why? Because blood contains iron which explains why blood has a metallic kinda rust flavour to it.

I hope it heals faster than this. This is frustratingly agonizing.

Lost ...

2007-01-20T20:06:00.000+08:00

LOST

Night was approaching. John knew there was only an hour of daylight left. In the distant, a wolf's howl pierced the silence of the forbiding forest.

John looked to his left and then to his right. Everywhere he looked, the trees seemed the same to him. It seemed everything was a mirror image of each other. He had lost the trail.

His shirt was sticking to his back. John wiped the perspiration from his forehead. He wasn't just perspiring from the humidity. He was in a state of panic. The forest was a dangerous place to spend the night. And he had lost his sense of direction. He was lost.

The day started brightly. John saw the man sitting on the big rock littered with the cravings of children's names. The man looked strange in his multicoloured coat. There was something in his hands that captivated the man's attention. He didn't even noticed when John took a seat beside him.

"What's that?" asked John.
"OH! You startled me my boy!" the man said. He then showed the precious stone to John.
"I found this gem at the other side of the forest." The man then reached into his bag and took out several other gems. "Plenty of them around."

"The other side of the forest?" John enquired.
"Yes yes! You see that small animal trail over there? Just follow it and you will find the whole lot of them." With that, the man hopped off the rock and whistled his way down the King's Road.

John had followed the trail and it was easy at first. Even though the way was narrow, he could see it winding in and out of the trees and vegetation. His mind was filled the vision of those colourful precious gems. He was a man on a mission.

Then he heard the sound of a stream. Feeling thirsty from his long walk, he had wandered off the trail to find the meandering stream. It was a distraction he could not afford.
John was unable to locate the trail again after quenching his thirst. And for the past 3 hours, he has been walking around aimlessly.

Then another howl pierced the air. It was answered by another howl and another, all getting closer to him.

"They must have caught my scent." John reasoned with himself out loud.

His legs took to the forest floor and he started to run, trying to dodge branches and leaping over roots. After half an hour, he stopped from the exertion. Panting heavily, he noticed the sky turning dark. Night was here.

And then in the faint light available, he saw the first wolf. The grey furry creature crept silently towards him, baring its sharp canines in a snarl. Then a low growl came from John's right. He turned and saw another bigger wolf closing in.

John half turned to run in the opposite direction but to his horror, he saw another 2 wolves approaching. They have encircled him. Taking quick glances, he counted 6 wolves closing in on him, snapping the trap tighter and tighter.

John fell to his knees in exhaustion. He has not only lost the trail. He was going to lose his life.
"I shouldn't have wandered off the trail." John thought before darkness engulfed him.

Psychologically ...

2007-01-15T23:36:00.000+08:00

PSYCHOLOGICALLY

Our brains are wonders. Strange how we are often creatures of habits. Now that I do not have to wear my glasses anymore, I keep thinking I'm wearing contact lenses.
Every night I have this urge to go to the bathroom to remove my invisible lenses.

Strange how long it takes to break a habit? Research shows that it takes about 2-3 weeks to form a habit and it takes even longer to break one.
I guess it's easier to reprogram a computer than to reprogram someone's mind.

A paradigm shift is probably the most difficult to achieve. I hate to admit this but people do not change. Even if they do, they do not change much or deviate alot from the old self.

School has been crazy. I'm getting so numb that I'm constantly afraid I'm like a walking dead in school. Where's the vision and desire to change the world into a better place? Where's that insatiable desire to want to make a difference?

It is still there somewhere, buried deep underneath all the defense mechanisms built from the experiences from 2006. My form class will require a lot from me this year. Make no mistake. 3E1 is full of so much potential and wonderful individuals. I'm really falling in love again. I don't care about their past. I only see a bright future for each of them.

Take one step at a time I guess. As long as I can still give, I will.

My eyes were getting better. Doctor is happy with my recovery. But I went for 4E3'06 BBQ yesterday and I guess there were too much smoke. Had sore eyes yesterday and this morning. It's ok now.

My vision is ok. It still fluctuates. And sometimes the glare hurts my eyes and gives me headaches. And sometimes it doesn't. I no longer try to make sense of it all. Just keep my shades close by at all times.

There's so much more to say. But I think it's getting harder for me to express myself in a straight forward manner. I find it easier to say how I feel in the form of narratives like the previous entry. I wish to get out of my fortress. But I can no longer find the gate. Am I sealed in?

Rain ...

2007-01-11T00:24:00.000+08:00

RAIN

Jia Na was once again begging the general to allow her to approach the fortress.
"General, I know him. When he sees me, I will be able to persuade him to lower his defences. Please. You have to let me go near the fortress."

The general spit his sour wine unto the floor and cursed. "Princess, we have the city under seige for 3 years. That man just refuses to surrender. His defences are strong. What makes you think you can make him tear down the wall of his fortress?"

"He knows me and I know him. He will listen to me. He always has. Please General, just allow me to approach the city."

He stood and stared at the mock up model of the city under seige and sighed.
"You will not even get near the city walls. They are shooting anything that moves within 50 paces of the ramparts."

"He will not shoot when he sees it's me. He loves me." Jia Na was so confident.

The general let out another sigh. A distant thunder roared.
"No, your highness. It's really too dangerous."

"Then I command you to let me approach the walls general. You will obey my orders. No soldiers will accompany me and I'll approach the city wall alone on foot. They will not see me as a threat." With that she stormed out of the commander's tent and headed for the fortress.

The bright blue sky was quickly turning dark and the sun was blotted out by the rolling charcoal clouds. The early sunday morning was quickly turning into night.

Jian Qiang had always been amazed by how fast the weather changed around here. The past 3 years of seige had been hard but their defences had held against the onslaught of the enemies.

Standing on the city walls of the fortress, he suddenly realized how much he had changed. He was no longer the idealistic altruistic youth he was when he was at the capital. He remembered the princess so fondly and how they would spend hours talking and planning to change the world into a better place.

But all of that was gone now. Standing on the ramparts was a battle hardened man, a cynic and a survivor. Trust no one. Shoot on sight. Gosh he missed Jia Na so much. His heart panged for her sweet voice and beautiful company. He would give anything and everything in this world just to be with her.

And then the rain fell. The downpour was a deluge from the heavens.

Jia Na could see the gate of the city walls just ahead. She quicken her pace. She was excited about the prospect of seeing Jian Qiang again. Just then a drop of rain touched her apple cheeks. Then it was as if the heavens were weeping for thousands of lives lost in this endless war.

Jia Na had no choice but to pull up the scowl of her riding jacket to keep the rain from drenching her hair. It was so heavy that every drop of rain was painful to the skin. She hurried on to try to reach the gate.

"Sir, there's someone approaching near the gate."
Jian Qiang followed the archer and stood on the ramparts above the gate.
"What do you think the person is doing?" the archer asked.

The sky was completely dark now. Jian Qiang could not see the face of the man. The rain made visibility even worse. It was the perfect cover for the enemies to send a spy to infiltrate the city.

"He's a spy." Jian Qiang drew an arrow from his quiver and took aim. "Clever but there's still enough light to see him approaching. And just enough light to shoot an arrow." He released the arrow and it struck right in the chest of the spy.
"Kill him. Make sure he's dead. That would deter their spies."

Jia Na clutched the arrow protruding from her chest. Her hands came away red with her own blood. Then she felt the force of another arrow in her abdomen. Then another struck her right thigh. As she tumbled and fell to her knees, she could hear the whooosh of arrows that missed her narrowly. Two other arrows found their target.
"You shouldn't have built these defences Jian Qiang. You shouldn't have." Jia Na mumbled as blood gurgled in her mouth.

Abruptly as the rain started, it suddenly stopped and the black clouds rolled away to reveal the morning sun. Wiping away the rain water from his face, Jian Qiang was about to loose another shot when he noticed that it wasn't a man who was kneeling in the dirt just outside the city walls.

It was a woman. The woman he loved. And she was dying from the many arrows protruding from her limp body.

Choice

2007-01-06T21:05:00.000+08:00

CHOICE

It is strange. I can't explain it. But I miss the choice of being short-sighted? Without my glasses or contacts, things would be a haze after 30cm. One friend used to comment that it wasn't a bad way to live. At least, everything seems ok and you wouldn't notice their imprefection.

Now I can no longer choose. I know it's not a 'good' thing but at least I used to have that choice? Oh well just lamenting.

Frankly it was a very apprehensive operation. Go on the web and you see the risks involved. Even my doctor said it has its risks. So doing lasik is a calculated risk. Hahaha! How's that when you doctor tells you that?

And recently one friend of mine told me about her bad experience with lasik. She is still suffering from the effects after so many months.
I mean if you know what the doctor is doing to your eyes, you would be afaid too.
Cutting a flap in the cornea and then using laser to burn and reshape your cornea???

Which idiot will go do such a thing to his/her eyes? Me.

Seriously the procedure took less than 10-15min. It's not very frightening and you only experience minimal pain due to the anaesthetic eye drops. But at one point, you will lose your vision as the surgeon cuts a flap off your cornea.

Then the most scary moment is when you smell smoke. Yes you can actually smell the doctor burning away part of your eyes! Hahaha!

The next ordeal is the worse. Everything looks blurred. And your eye starts to feel the pain from the operation as the anesthesia wears off. It was agonizing. I got a bit of a scare too because the doctor said my eyes were very dry. Instead of putting lubricating eye drops every 15min, he told me to put them every 10 min and not to sleep until late in the night.

Seriously, I was afraid of that. Because your cornea can shrink if it's too dry.
Can you imagine the flap shrinking before it heals properly? I guess you would need a eye transplant. The damage would be impossible to repair.

And so I lived through 2 days of extreme pain (probably due to my super dry eyes) and discomfort. It's like having this huge speck of dust in your eye but you cannot touch it or rub it or scratch it.

I've calculated the cost. Only after the operation, hahaha! How stupid is that? Anyway, the cost of the whole operation, consultation plus medication is equivalent to about 4-5 years of contact lens usage, solution and even the making of a cheap pair of specs.

Is it worth it? I think so. And I think if you do it when you are younger, you heal faster. And yes, the risks are very real. I was so afraid of going blind before the operation.

I'm still suffering from blurred vision at times. My vision is not perfect and the surgeon said it will take one to two months. And it feels very uncomfortable all the time. Oh well, the doctor did say I'm healing pretty fast. I must just remember to blink.

Love ...

2006-12-31T11:21:00.000+08:00

LOVE

Inspired by the song playing here, the following story is my attempt at answering the question, "What is love?"

The sun was setting on the horizon. It was an exceptionally quiet evening on the beach. Junjie knew it was the perfect setting to say goodbye.

"Mei, I have something to tell you."

"It is not going to happen. I will not leave you." Mei replied.

With a sigh Junjie mumbled,"You know me so well."

An awkward silence descended on the couple as they both looked at the vast ocean swallowing the angry red sun.

"I am no longer the man you used to know. I'm only half the man you fell in love with. You shouldn't waste your time and your life on me."

Mei turned her head and asked softly, "Tell me honestly, do you still love me?"

Tears never came easy for Junjie. But he was crying in his heart. It was out of love that he had asked Mei to leave her. He just didn't want to become her burdensome baggage.

"Yes. You are the only one I love and will ever love."

"Then don't push me away. I love you just the same. You can't force me not to love you."

"But I will be a burden to you. I'll be nothing more than a dead weight."

"You are not dead, my dear." Mei interrupted. "And you are not that heavy."

Saying that, Mei took a step closer to Junjie and turning around, she backed her way towards him.

"What are you doing?" he asked frantically.

"Proving to you that you are not that heavy." Mei said as she reached behind and tried to piggyback him out from his wheelchair.

"Don't hurt yourself baby," he said as he instinctively wrap his arms around her neck.

With a deep breath, she heaved him up from his seat and staggered a little from his cumbersome weight.

With the sweetest smile on her face, Mei turned her head and said, "I do not care if you never walk again. The accident wasn't your fault. I want to be with you. I love you."

Junjie could smell the wonderful fragrance of her silky hair and he replied, "You are a strong girl."

"I wouldn't mind if I have to piggyback you into our future." And with that, Mei started walking down the beach near to the water edge just before the sun sunk in the sea.

Sleep ...

2006-12-29T11:11:00.000+08:00

SLEEP

I can't sleep. Again.
I don't know why.

Lying on the bed, feeling sick and totally exhausted and the mind refuses to switch off.
I long to drift off to a land of peace and quiet when all my senses are shut (except subconciously) and I'm oblivious to the world.
I long to enter into a period of rest after a hectic day.

I need to sleep. Why can't the world be a simpler place?

Back ...

2006-12-28T23:49:00.000+08:00

BACK

I hate to admit it.
Mostly I'm trying to deny it.
But I guess I can't run away from it.

I think it's back. My headaches are getting worse.
My body aches.
I can't seem to concentrate for long at times.

The feeling is like I'm in the slums.

Maybe I'm learning to wear the mask better.
I need help.

Christmas ...

2006-12-24T18:38:00.000+08:00

CHRISTMAS

It's that time of the year again. It seemed like just yesterday when Christmas 2005 was just approaching. So many things happened this year. Quite a number of terrible things really. Yet in the midst of it all, I'm thankful to the ONE.

Without Him and His gift, I would most likely be six feet under whether it's physically or in my soul. When your soul is dead, guess it doesn't matter if you are alive.

Come on Jae. It's Christmas. Forget the troubles and the miseries of 2006.

It's been raining very often these days. For me it's good news. Since I love to run in the rain. Nowadays I don't even wear a watch. Running in the rain is a luxury and not training. Frankly there's nothing in this world that gives you that kind of exhilaration and refreshing feeling.

I've been wondering and I think the most difficult skill in life is communication. How do you craft your sentence in a way that it wouldn't even remotely suggest that you are saying what you mean and not the opposite? How do you let someone else know your exact thoughts and emotions? How do you express your love for that someone and let him/her know it as a certainty in life?

Have you pretended to be the fool so that someone you love would think that he/she was right about something? I did it just now with my dad. I knew what he said was true. But I continued in my delusional view so that he could be proven right and be fed in his ego?

Or maybe I'm just too proud to admit I'm wrong until I've been presented with the evidence. Yet that was that moment when I knew he was right but I deliberately insisted on my errant stand so my dad can feel that triumph of knowing it better.

The things we do to make people we love feel good about themselves. True strength is not winning all the times. It's manifested when you make winners out of others.

What's wrong with me? Too much rambling? Hahaha! I guess I'm just, for a lack of a better word, unique. Strange might be a more apt word. Perhaps even weird. But i guess I don't care. I think I have a 'piss at the world' attitude. Nothing wrong with being different you know?

Except for desperate cries, I seldom make my prayers public. But for once, as 2007 draws near, I pray for a PEACEFUL year. I do not think I've recovered from the battle wounds of 2006. Fact is I'm still very weary.

My armour has dents and I'm even surprised that it still fit. My shield has splints and the paint has come off in some places. My sword though sharp has several unsightly grooves along the double edged blades. I shouldn't be fighting anymore.

Yet I know once the battle horn blows and the weak are threatened, I'll rush in yelling my battle cry and play the hero again. It's true I cannot save everyone. But I can't stand idly by when I know I should be in the fray.

And if this is my nature that I must trust that He is faithful enough to strengthen these feeble arms of mine. Doesn't take a lot to be a hero. Sometimes all you need to do is to stand and hold your ground. Hold on to your beliefs and your humanity.

Puzzles ...

2006-12-21T00:23:00.000+08:00

PUZZLES

I seriously do not understand the mysteries about them.
Logically speaking, why would you want to spend so much money on a puzzle, take several hours to fix it up when perhaps you can get a framed picture for like half the price?

And talking about gifts, why would you want to buy someone a present that requires the person to spend hours to even have the present ready for viewing?

And puzzles are not cheap. Well at least not the good ones. Johor sells some really cheap ones at a few singapore dollars. They even have cheat sheets that comes with the puzzle. So you can assemble everything in less than an hour?

Of course these puzzles are thinner and I guess the pictures are well, not worth even the hour to deceitfully assemble them.

I ravel in the process. It's not so much the product but the process. The seemingly mindless process of trying to look for the right colour, right texture, right shade, right shape, right clues to know where that piece fit in the greater scheme of the puzzle.

It's very different from my work where I have to pay so much attention to details and keep planning for contingencies or to idiot proof my lessons or events. The thought of it makes me nauseous.

And there are the small victories. Everytime you recognize a piece, lift it off the pile and it fits perfectly, the triumph is so sweet. Small victories are good for my health. They reinforce positive vibes and make you feel less a loser.

Took me 16 hours to finish this puzzle of a field of lavender. I must say that it does inspire me everytime I look at it. It's just beautiful with all the different shades of purple. I know the photo I took does not do it justice.

Oh and puzzle makers are pretty smart too. Their puzzles are alway slightly bigger than 50cmx70cm for 1000 pieces. That prevents you from getting cheaper frames for them. You would have to get the designated frame from the shop itself.

Got another one. Maybe I can start on it when school reopens. It will be my mindless escape from the stressful rigours of my work. We'll see about that.

Colours ...

2006-12-19T00:34:00.000+08:00

COLOURS

Jonny knew what the picture was supposed to look like. Yet nothing on the canvas infront of him looked like the image he had in his mind. Something is missing. Again. It was taking all of his self control not to lash out in his frustration.

Jonny is a bright spirited man who believes in the wonders of life. He loves the vibrant colours that God has given to creation. The feather of a macau and the multiple colours on the bodies of caterpillars are a fine illustration of his belief.

He has always believed that art should be a mimicry of life. Art should inspire people to live their life to the maximum. Jonny wanted his painting to spur people to appreciate the beauty of the world around them and to celebrate life.

From this belief, he often have colourful images swirling in his mind. They looked so wonderful in his mind that they often take his breath away. Yet duplicating them on the canvas was a huge challenge. He could never seem to get it right. No matter how many colours he used, how vivid the choice of different shades of the various colours or how he mixes the paint, he could never get it right. They just looked wrong.

He had avoided all black and grey. Jonny's art pieces had no place for the depressive or dark colours. Yet his mood was quickly turning black. He stared at the other pieces of failed canvas at the corner of the studio.

"Darn you!" He shouted as he took a tin of black paint from the shelf and opened it as he crossed the room back to the canvas.
"Stupid you! Why can't you even get a simple painting right?"

In his frustration, he dug his hand into the tin of paint and started splashing them over the art piece.
"Ya a failure! Pathetic!" Jonny kept throwing blotches of black paint on the wide canvas as he lamented on his personal failure.

Gianna heard the shouts and came running into the studio. She saw Jonny getting breathless from the excessive shouting and splashing of paint. He looked as if he was throwing balls of black paint in his effort to destroy his precious work.
She just stood still. She knew better than to say anything or to approach Jonny.

"I'm a failure Gianna. A pathetic loser." Jonny almost sobbed when he saw her standing beside the sliding door to the studio. He sunk into a stool and looked at his black stained hands.

Gianna walked over and held his head to her tummy as she stood next to him.
"It's alright baby," she said as she began stroking his hair.

"I can't get it right and I don't understand why. I really tried. I've used all the happy colours but something is just wrong. I just wanted everything to look cheery and happy."

Gianna didn't try to speak anymore. She knew what he needed was just her comforting presence. She continued to stroke his hair and held his close to her.
As she bent down to kiss him on the top of his head, she noticed something strange happening on the canvas.

The blotches of black paint were dripping in a seemingly incongruous manner but it almost looked as if someone was directing their flow. It was almost as if gravity was an artist trying to frame the vibrant colours with a black outline. It looked surreal but even to her untrained eye, she could see the beauty in the art.

"Baby, I think you should look at this," she said as she releases Jonny head from her embrace.
Jonny lifted his head and he almost couldn't believe his eyes. The painting looked almost exactly like how he pictured it in his mind.

Of course! He needed the black to contrast the vibrancy in the colours! All the colours looked brighter than before and despite all the black and seeming messy blotches, the canvas inspired life and was a happy sight to behold. He almost wept as he stood and behold the accidental piece of masterpiece.

"It's so beautiful!" was all he could say as he pulled Gianna into an embrace, his eyes never leaving the canvas.

Love ...

2006-12-16T23:35:00.000+08:00

LOVE

Pam asked me today "What is love?".
It was a striking question and I too was puzzling about it. All the more after catching the movie The Holiday yesterday night.

It is a brilliant movie because of the great lines. I totally admire the scriptwriter who incidentally directed and produced the movie too. Love the way that the movie throws you off tangent and spring surprises on you.

I seldom rave about movies. And a romantic comedy is usually just ... that. A romantic comedy. It makes you feel good cause you laugh and you feel this lovey dovey emotion bubbling to the surface.

But what The Holiday does is much more than that. Most movies have one or two touching scenes. But I cried at quite a few junctures in the show. It's incredible I know and yes yes yes I'm a weepy kinda guy but this movie is really way up there!

It's extremely thought provoking for me too.
I hate to admit this but I don't think I know how to fall in love anymore. I'm not sure how to communicate this effectively but as much as my head is filled with ideas of romanticism, I do not have the heart to live that life.

How do you love someone unconditionally? I can love my kids that way. I can love even the seemingly 'bad' students in my class. I can be so frighteningly accepting that sometimes I question whether I'm being too soft.

Yet I seem unable to love a girl. How do you devote your entire heart to the woman of your life? How do you go about loving her despite her flaws and imperfection? How do you fulfill her every whim and fancy so that she knows your greatest pleasure in life is to see her happy even if it's at the expense of yourself?

Love is sacrificial. Will always be. To sacrifice anything, you first of all need that resources to be able to sacrifice it. I'm afraid I do not have anything more to give. How do you sacrifice emptiness?

I do not know how to fall in love again. Once I did. And I had my fair share of crushes and developing a fondness for members of the opposite sex. That seemed like the distant past. What is happening to me?

Maybe I do not know how to make a princess accept me for who I am. Why would a fair princess go to a junkyard to look for a broken piece of discarded mirror? The cracks in me can only distort the reflection. Nope. A gentle and alluring princess needs the best mirror that the kingdom can afford to reflect her true beauty.

What is love? It demands too high a price that I cannot afford. Not now.

Crap ...

2006-12-14T14:16:00.000+08:00

CRAP

Bought 3 crabs from Carrefour the other day since it's been a long time since i had them. For the un-initiated, I shall describe the entire process of preparing them crabs.

First and foremost, the crabs were alive. How do you kill them? There's a brutal way of driving a chopstick right through from underneath the crab. I invented one less brutal and painless way for their death.

I just chuck the whole plastic bag into the freezer. Not to freeze them of course. But make it cold enough so that they will pass out or die? I'm not sure which is which. Then again, I'm not sure it's painless too. You think a crab will feel the pain of having frostbites?

Then it's out of the freezer and the cleaning starts. Crabs are very dirty simply because they have caked mud all over their hard shell. And while they are being stored in the basket in the supermart, they will defecate over each other.

But the most important part of cleaning the crab is to actually open up the top shell and pull out all the gills-like structure on top. They can smell like urine and if you don't remove them, there will be a pungent ammonia smell. Not good for steaming.

And then it's the brush for them yummy crustaceans. You have to brush away all the faeces and mud. Yeah yeah it's a dirty job but one needs to work hard for a good meal.

This is where the crabs were so powerful even in their death. I've got a big cut on my right index finger and minor puncture wounds elsewhere on my hands from those sharp defensive barbs. Even in their death, they cut me.

After everything is washed up nice and sweet, it's time to prepare the ginger. Ginger is used primarily in seafood to rid them of that fishy smell. So I chopped up some ginger and spreaded them all over the carefully laid out crabs on the metal plate.

Put them in the steaming wok for about 10-15min and the aroma that filled the kitchen was unbelievable! Took me almost an hour to devour the crabs. Hahaha! No part of their anatomy was spared. The meat was fine and sweet. The ginger helped too.

But I was thinking, maybe next time, I'll just go to a restaurant and order them. It's too tedious to clean them and get myself cut up like piece of raw meat. Not to mention I have to dispose of the gills and the shell afte eating them. Can't leave them in the bin or the flies will come.

Changed the layout and here's a new song. I hope it's now easier to read the words? Anyway I half suspect there are only a few individuals who actually read my entries. Some might visit but I don't suppose everyone reads.

Therapy ...

2006-12-12T00:34:00.000+08:00

THERAPY

From yada yada to therapeutic cuddling, how fast things can change!
And nope it's not the same child or baby.

My 2nd niece, yes I have two now, loves to sleep in a particular position.
She loves to lie on your chest, facing you and as you slouch on the couch, she would go to sleep in less than a minute.

In that position, her wonderfully scented head will be right at my chin. I love to smell her hair and kiss her forehead, stroking her her scalp at the same time. My other hand will be patting her back.

It's the most wonderful form of therapy you can ever ask for. This miracle of life sleeping in your embrace and treating you like the most comfortable mattress in the world.

She fidgets in her sleep. Quite alot actually. And you can feel her chest pushing against your tummy as she breathes. Every nuance of her body can be felt. Even the minute spasms of her growing muscles.

I was even able to read a book as she sleeps on me. Hahaha! Gosh what would I give to be a father!

Of course, one must understand this is just one facet of the cute little baby. Did I forget to mention about the smelly diapers, the ear piercing cry and the horrible amount of poo a little human being can produce?

Not to mention you have to refrain from getting frustrated because everytime she crys, you have to start trouble shooting and figure out what's wrong. Is it the new surrounding? Is it the strangers? Is it the temperature? Is her diaper wet? Is she hungry? Is she ill?

But I guess for all the trouble it takes to care for a baby, the reward of having that therapy is worth all its while. My brother enjoys the same therapeutic session after a hard day at work too. Perhaps I should visit them more often and get more frequent therapy sessions.

Yada ...

2006-12-05T09:26:00.000+08:00

YADA

It amazes me how my sister can understand the jibberish sprouted by my nephew. Boys develop slower linguistically and that goes for pronunciation too. I can barely make out what he says most of time.

And yet my sister can understand him PERFECTLY. She tells me to listen to him slowly. Now that is a thought. How do you listen slowly? Take your time to listen? But the last I checked, I read that sound travels at a constant speed.

I guess when you track the development of a child and spend day and night with the child, you will get to understand him.
I don't profess to be frustrated with him. He's too adorable. Yet when communication breaks down, it's an irky feeling. Not to mention a constant desire to correct him.

And so I wonder, how do we sound like to the Almighty? For en entity where time holds no bound, nor death or anything, how do our complaints sound like? Nothing could ruffle His feathers or push Him to the edge of panic, so how does He take our whining?

I yada, you yada. We all yada to Him. Must be pretty frustrating for Him to try and understand all the yada-ing. That is if we look at it at a purely objective manner. Or using our human reasoning.

Love changes everything. My sister used to be this spoilt princess who demands her way in every single little thing. No. That was not an exaggeration. Her favourite weapon was her tears. And screams.

Yet now, she is amazingly patient with my nephew. It's always difficult to recognise her. Love changes everything. It makes things bearable. Even if it's a blatant flaw or terrible weakness, it becomes tolerable or acceptable when there is love.

I stare in the mirror and there's nothing lovable about me. The darkness of my soul and the corruption of my body makes me nauseous. The weakness of my flesh and mind are so overpowering at times that I feel incapable of anything else. I'm dirty, sullied and feels like the dirtbag of the scum of the filthest slums on the planet.

Then why does He still love me? It baffles me and I cannot but feel overwhelmed whenever I think about this. How much does He love me? How deep is His love?

Strangest of ironies. Now that I'm finally having my holidays, my students are starting to work. Hahaha! Especially the graduates. It's even hard to ask them out to catch up.

Not changing the song yet. Too much memory whenever I hear this song. This will forever be 4E3's song for me. Perfect Memories 3E3'05/4E3'06.

Prom ...

2006-12-01T02:12:00.000+08:00

PROM

It was memorable. As part of the organizers, I can't say that everything went perfectly right. In fact, just 5 minutes before the event, there were so many last minute changes. And as usual, it was so hard to keep to the time.

Well if I blog about the 1001 things that went wrong, this would be a long and boring blog.

The PROM NITE was a success because everyone enjoyed themselves.
Mr Vanan & Mrs Ramos were FABULOUS as the emcees. They did an incredible job despite all the changes and the short notice. Totally steady without an inkling of doubt or wavering.

The School Advisory Committee(SAC) contributed with their generous donations and grace the occasion with their presence.

The councillors again performed with outstanding effort. Delaila, Tiffany, Felina has been in school the entire day since monday to prepare for the event. Liqiang, See Wee, Ronney and Fawwaz did a great job too. And Shaohui, Kamil, Hafiz, Jasmine, Cheryl, Hasanah and Julianah were FANTASTIC too. Their work ethic was 1st rate!

Nobody would believe that most of those at the dinner were between 16-17 years old. All of them looked ravishing in their gowns ad suits. It was just incredible.
Everyone was stunningly gorgeous and good looking.

I sang a song for them, dedicated specially to 4E3 and all the other students that I know personally. I cannot even begin to describe the feelings I felt on stage. It was very overwhelming. I felt like crying and yet I couldn't let it out?

Time was running out and I couldn't even say everything I wanted to say.
Maybe in a next entry. My heart is too full of emotions to put my thoughts in words. All I know is that I've been one of the most blessed teacher in the world to have ever taught 4E3 and known the other students too.

This graduating batch is the closest I've ever gotten to. The next batch would be this year's Sec 2.

Why do I feel like crying again?

WhatThe ...

2006-11-28T20:45:00.000+08:00

WHATTHE

The Prom Nite is like WHAT THE ...?!?!
We should have a buffet dinner instead of a sit down dinner.
We should have employed an entertainment company(if we have the budget).
We should have just keep things simple like last year.

The EXCO spent so many days hunting for gifts, wrapping, labeling and sorting them.

The seating arrangement took HOURS to complete(with changes coming).

The programme took like forever to finalize and fine tune.

The details took even longer, kudos to the girls.

And it's very frustrating not to have everything confirmed because people are waiting till the last hour to pay their tickets and do what they need to do.

And there's this BIG rock of an obstacle with regards to the band. God we need a miracle down here!!!

All I hope is for the event to be a success. I just hope that everyone will walk away with fond memories of a last reunion before leaving the school they have been attending for 4-5 years.

I'm getting sick of doing events. It's tedious.

Island

2006-11-22T23:18:00.000+08:00

ISLAND

Jaladhi saw her masts an hour ago. She was seldom late since her captain was a trustworthy friend who runs a tight ship. Jaladhi could never fathom the depth of his friendship with Rafiq. Without his friend, Jaladhi would have starved and died of dehyration on the island.

From his high vantage point on the lighthouse, Jaladhi saw the gallery lowering a boat into the waters. He thanked the Creator for giving them a perfect weather instead of the usual storms that has been hammering on these waters lately. Jaladhi quickly made his way down the stone steps and out to the jetty.

Rafiq waved as the boat got nearer to makeshift jetty that used to be a breakwater. Jaladhi could see the heavy crates and casks that was to be his supplies for the next month. He knew there would be salted meat, dried fruits, hard bread and of course drinking water.

The island was just a huge rock at seas. There was only space enough for a lone tree to grow next to the lighthouse. It was as good as a ship out at sea. No one could ever survive on this rock without supplies being ferried here.

"Mr friend!" Rafiq bellowed as he embraced Jaladhi in bear hug. "So is it time for you to return to us? The world has need of your wisdom and your counsel!" That was always how he would greet Jaladhi.
"I'm afraid the world will have to wait, my dearest friend."

"No man is an island ..."

"Yet a man can choose to live on an island." Jaladhi interrupted the all too familiar phrase.

"Only if he has a friend who sends him food and water every month!" Rafiq laughed.

"And for that I'm grateful." Jaladhi couldn't agree more with Rafiq. No matter how hard he tried, he would be connected and dependant on the world. No man is an island. Even if he lives on a rock in the sea.

"They miss you badly my friend. They have not forgotten about you even after such a long time."

It has been almost 5 years since Jaladhi placed himself on this God-forsaken island. Still he's not ready to return to the world he left. Not yet.

"I need more time Rafiq. The worms are still eating my body and soul away. I need to rid myself of them before I go back." Jaladhi said as his eyes followed the crew who were unloading the supplies from the boat into the storage room beneath the lighthouse.

"Those worms were with you even before you discovered them. You were fine then." The captain retorted.

Jaladhi knew that Rafiq was right. But he also didn't know that the worms were eating him up on the inside. They were no longer just inside him. They were chomping at his very sanity. If he had not come to this island to remedy the situation, he could have been dead by now.

"Your men has almost finished. Thanks for the supplies again. I owe you a life of gratitude Rafiq. You better get going." Jaladhi did not want to say more.

Rafiq sighed deeply. "May His face shine on you, Jaladhi son of Jabez."

"May His face shine on you, Rafiq son of Rameses."

As Jaladhi waved to his friend on the boat, he wondered how long does he need to spend his life in solitude. A sudden wave of melancholy threatened to drown him and he almost stumbled from the surge. He steadied himself by putting one hand on the moss covered wall.

"I need you. Now. Here. Quick." Jaladhi whispered. Just before he sank to his knees.

Lost ...

2006-11-20T23:25:00.000+08:00

LOST

Everything comes at a price. Most things require sacrifice.
Coming to the end of 2006, I'm hit with the stark revelation that I've perhaps lost more than I've gained this year. I've lost more of myself maybe even all of myself for what gains I'm no longer sure.

I don't even know how I lost so much. One wrong step. Another careless move. A struggle to get out which only results in me sinking further. I'm the master of my own destiny. I cannot blame anyone for my present condition or state.

I should have said no. I should have heed the warning signals and alarms that went off. I should have the common cow sense to know there's only so much one can do and I should stop trying to save the day everyday.

Yet, a perfectionist sees a need wherever he looks. Living in a broken world, he sees imperfection at every turn and a need to improve something with every wink of his eye. And it is this dichotomy that makes it so hard to find a balance between the two.

Sometimes I really feel that I've lost myself completely. Jae is no more. Is he dead? Who am I now? What am I? It's difficult to behold what's over the hill when you are stuck in the valley. And it feels even worse when you are attempting the uphill task of climbing to the top to gaze into the horizon.

I don't even know what I'm crapping about.

I miss my students in school. I miss my sec 1 PE classes. I miss my 3E3. I miss 4E3. Miss them like how I crave for chocolates. I'm growing FAT like some friar from the Robin Hood stories.

Maybe I should gorge myself and put on a hefty 30 kgs or something! Then I could be Santa Claus come next Christmas. Where's my sleigh? Ho Ho Ho! My control system is failing I think.

Link ...

2006-11-18T08:10:00.000+08:00

LINK

Apologies to all those who have been asking me to link you all since the beginning of this year. I'll try to find time this holiday to do it. Might have to be in December. Still very busy with school.

This whole week has been extremely busy and tiring. Had this Peer Support workshop for 80 over peer leaders. I'm not sure why but it was very sapping. I slept for more than 12 hours just to recuperate.

Maybe it's the medication. I stopped the medication for a while because I really don't like the side effect. But when I took it again on Thursday night, Friday was bad for me. Felt even more sick.

It's been a fun and engaging week though. Spent so much of my time with the peer leaders and councillors. They are really a wonderful bunch of students.

Thursday planning session with the councillors was a very good one. I believe everyone of them got the message about the kind of councillors we are trying to develop. It's always very enjoyable to spend time with the councillors.

I LOVE MY STUDENT COUNCILLORS.

They are a very sacrificial bunch. Always willing to serve and volunteer. They are also very teachable and willing to learn. If only we have more students like them in Junyuan, I do believe that our school will be a much better place.

Of course they are not the only good students in school. Yet, if we only have more good and better students in the school, it would really help the school to go one step further.

My heart has many things to dump but I can't seem to find the words to express them. Word out.

Null ...

2006-11-03T21:36:00.000+08:00

NULL

Empty. That's how I feel mostly. I do not know why. Maybe it's been such a long bloodied year. Yes bloodied because I have spilled my blood, my sweat, my tears and my sanity this entire year.
I'm very tired. And maybe I'm still bleeding.

In fact I'm surprised that I'm still in school everyday and still doing what I'm doing. I don't even know how I can find the strength to plan for 2007, to prepare for Prom Nite, to organize the Sec 1 Camp 2007 and so many other things.

But I'm always happy to see my 4E3 these days. I mean I'm still busy with all the planning and the dunno-whats! Yet I seemingly love to find time to be with the few that comes for the English remedial classes.

Even when Amanda and Marcus asked to meet me outside school to go through some questions. I was actually quite relunctant to leave them to go for my meeting. Told them I could only afford 30 min but I think in the end we spent about 40 min.

And even though some of them are working me very hard with their essays, I seriously don't mind. Probably one of the only English teachers still marking essays at this time. But I really don't mind. At least it's one of those moments when I don't feel empty.

Stayed back in school until 6pm to do some special gifts for 4E3. Hahaha! It's gonna be a surprise for them on Monday.

Nothing much to say for now. Everything is really like nothing to me. Think it really hit you hard that you worked so hard, toiled so much and at the end of the day, it's all for nought.

I've work doubly probably even triply hard compared to last year. Yet, it's deemed that I've taken a step back. I'm still puzzled to the whole enigma. Guess I was stupid enough to just take everything and be overly responsible to try and do everything well.

Wretched.

Vain

2006-10-31T13:03:00.000+08:00

VAIN

What could be the worst thing in the world? When you have tried so hard, when you have poured your entire life into something and at the end of the day, you realized it's all in vain.

Geez, how can I be judged on a few comments and some petty behaviour? What about those who improved? What about the results? So because some make some comments and it's taken as truth and fact?

Sigh. I feel so wretched. Makes me think, maybe I shouldn't be so different. Why try to be creative? Why bother to do things differently? People just want to be boring and the same. They want VOLUME and not quality.

Be ordinary and like everyone else and perhaps you wouldn't hurt yourself in the prcoess. Do what is needed 1st and forget about the extras. Life's really a bitch.

Is there another planet that YOU can put me on? Or just send me home. There must be something, somewhere or just some other time that I can be borned in.

All in vain.

Steel your heart! Stay strong! Be constructive! Overcome!
Why am I finding it so difficult? What's wrong with me?

Books ...

2006-10-26T22:36:00.000+08:00

BOOKS

Went to rent 3 books from Sans Bookshop. Whoooosh! And they are very thick books! But I would think that I should finish them before the holiday is over.
It's always easy to read narratives and all the more when they belong to the Fantasy genre.

Thank God for the rain yesterday. Went running in it and just when I was about to finish, the drizzle died down. The timing was perfect. It was overwhelmingly refreshing. I didn't even feel the need to stop at all. Except for traffic lights of course. It was simply exhilarating and liberating.

People were holding on to their umbrellas or using their bags for shelter and here was this seemingly mad man running in the rain. And enjoying it. Hahaha! I could almost see the envy in their eyes. Because I was not afraid of the elements or afraid of getting wet?

Rain was meant to wash away the minerals and deposit them into the sea. And perhaps it was meant to wash us too of the deposits in our soul. Perhaps it was meant to clear away blocks in our mind and set the soul free. When you are not afraid of something that everyone shuns, what else is there to fear?

Hmmm I do feel that things are winding down but somehow my timetable is still packed like nothing else. It's full with 4E3 next week, meetings and council related things. Just have to adopt the right mentality and not push myself too hard.

Seriously now that I'm running through the things to be done, the list seems to be growing. One the greatest invention I crave is a DEFINITE list. One that stops at a certain point and refuses to get any longer. Hahaha! Fat hope!

I've got very good principals. Mrs Oh gave all the staff a treat today. Lunch was on her and it was a sumptous spread. Mr Lee was so thoughtful that he came up personally to the 4th floor to invite the liaison officers to have lunch. Mr Galistan bought lunch for the councillors yesterday at his own expense! Junyuan is blessed with great caring principals.

The Council did well again today for the Prize Giving. But I guess alot of them are very tired. Sure there was mistakes but seriously, there's never a perfect show. It just doesn't exist. Especially for perfectionist like myself. Hahaha!

Medication ...

2006-10-24T13:37:00.000+08:00

MEDICATION

Jacob threw the bottle of pills onto the floor. The yellow and white capsules rolled all over the tiles, making a sound akin to ball bearings spilling on the floor.
"I hate the pills! I hate the medication! I hate the side effects! I don't want to take them anymore!"

Jacob put his head in his hands in despair. He has had enough.

Tricia stood there in silence. She stooped down and one by one, slowing retrieved the pills and drop them into the white bottle. When she was done, she found the blue cap on the table and screwed it back on. By then, Jacob was sobbing.

"You know you need to take your medication to get well. I know it's not easy but ..."

"No! You do not know! I'm sick of the pills! And he's asking me to take more of them!" Jacob yelled in reply. His eyes were red and teary.
"Do you know what those pills do to you? Do you know how hard is it to be me? I feel drowsy half the time. I feel caged up on the inside! I want to be free." His voice mellowed.
"I don't want to be sick. I don't want to be on pills. I don't want to live." His sobbing was back, stronger than before.

Tricia took one bold step towards him and placed her hand on his head. She stroked it gently, soothing the baby soul that was tormented in the centre of this man's being.

"You know it's not a shame to be sick. Isn't it true that it is in adversities that a man's real strength is shown? You know you can fight this. You can't give up now."

Jacob's reply was muffled as his head was on his arms, sobbing into the table,"I don't want to be strong. I don't want to fight. I just want to die. I want peace."

Tricia kept quiet for minutes, waiting for his crying to turn gentle and then into silent sobs. She lifted his head and looked straight into his eyes. There was a gentleness in her eyes that comforted Jacob but there was also a look of steel that challenged him.

"Life is a precious gift. Millions lies in the grave hoping for a chance to live again. To breathe in the freshness of the morning glories, to witness the sunrise and to feel the touch of their loved ones. You have been given that gift. Now live like it's the last thing you will ever do."

She did not raise her tone. Neither did she place special emphasis on any words. Yet a ray of hope entered Jacob's heart and the same time, the monsters of despair tried to steal that away from him.

"I'm suffering. I'm in pain. I'm not ok. I'm very tired." Jacob acknowledged, tears welling in his eyes again.

Tricia pulled Jacob into a semi embrace with his head resting on her tummy. Jacob was comforted by the closeness of her body and her wonderful scent.

"Rest my dear. Rest and you will recover your strength. Just don't you give up on life. You were born a fighter. You tell others to fight. Then live as you were born to live."

Jacob reached behind Tricia's for the bottle of pills on the table. He took out 2 yellow white capsules and feed them to his mouth. He swallowed them with little difficulty and slowly fell into a deep slumber in Tricia's embrace.

"You will wake up feeling better, I promise." Tricia cooed as she gently blew a breath of cool air over his head.

Future ...

2006-10-20T23:44:00.000+08:00

FUTURE

Exams are over. All the result slips have been printed. So technically speaking, we are all set for a good long holiday? If only all of that was half the truth.

I'm already planning for 2007. The Council will be having alot of sessions to plan and be trained for the many events in the coming year. It's a layering effect. The Student Council is taking on more and more responsibilities in school.

I wouldn't be free until the 30th Nov for sure. Not until the Prom Nite is over. And before that, there's also the Innovation Protocol Workshop, Peer Support Workshop, Council Planning Seminar and our staff seminar to attend. Holidays? You must be joking.

But I'm looking forward to at least having a period of at least 2 weeks to be off from school. I need the rest to recuperate and recharge. I must get my body into shape to be ready for 2007.

Back to 4E3, I went up to the class today. It feels so different. For a moment I could imagine seeing them in their seats, chatting with each other. I could imagine the different ones sitting there and making their usual wisecracks or silly remarks.

Memories memories and more memories. 4E3 believes it's their PERFECT memories. I believe so. It's so difficult for me to remember all the wrong things they did. I could only think of how impressive they have been. How everything they did was 100% effort and of such quality.

Last week and early this week, I felt a relapse of my illness. Because I stopped taking the medication for more than a week. I had no choice because I needed to finish my marking and the medication prevented me from concentrating for long periods of time. Not to mention I had to concentrate for the preparation for the Graduation Day.

At least now I'm feeling a little better. Wednesday was bad. Sigh.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm blind. Of why is it that I often see things so differently from others? Why do I even bother at times? Why can't I be like everyone else and be more dismissal of my own ideas, notions and beliefs?

Graduation Day

2006-10-13T23:08:00.000+08:00

Graduation Day

My eyes are so swollen now. I didn't sleep last night and I was crying so badly.
I really miss my 4E3.

This morning, Mr Silva came to me to tell me that Ms Neo was down and couldn't make it today. He asked whether if I want to stand in her place and give the speech for 4E3. As much as my heart leapt at the chance, I quickly told him that I couldn't.

I mean how am I to prepare for the speech or even go on stage to give the speech when I have to run the whol ceremony? Everything was also not settled for the ceremony in the morning. We didn't even have a single rehearsal.

The whole Council was coped up with the decorations until 6:30pm yesterday. Everyone was as clueless about the whole ceremony. Everyone was tired including me. The crew had not even seen the cue sheet until this morning at 9am. So how could I have the time or focus to give the speech?

Then when Mr Ng was addressing 4E3 during the ceremony, I felt like crying. I mean it was for real, they were really leaving. They have grown and are now graduates of Junyuan Secondary School.

I'm crying again. Because I feel very frustrated. I mean why must I be the one working my butt off for Graduation Day? Why can't I just be one of the other teachers sitting down? Why can't I say yes to Mr Silva because I don't have so much things on my mind and so much to do?

I want to start today all over again.
I want to say yes to Mr Silva.
I want to go on stage to say the million words of love and pride I have for 4E3.
I want to be around after the ceremony to take pictures and not worry about keeping the decorations.
I want to look better because I had enough sleep yesterday.
I don't want the class to be asking around for me to take pictures and not be able to find me.
I don't want to look like a zombie in their graduation photos.
I don't want to be so busy.

4E3, you are really very special in my heart.
This song on my blog is actually meant to be sang from a student to a teacher but I want you to know that if anyone of you is to ask me,"Do I make you proud?" my answer would be, "YES! Very proud!" I would never exchange your class for any other class.

The verse says 'I've never been the one to raise my hand'. And I remember how it was such a torture for me last year because your class was so quiet and often do not even ask questions or speak up. I remember all the intense nagging and scolding you all got from me. I know I pushed you all very hard.

But this year, you have grown so much. I don't know how but suddenly, 4E3 was no longer the graveyard. The class came alive and all of you were so united. You questioned the status quo and even tested the system.
You don't know how proud you make me when the class walked into the hall with that choreographed dance steps. I know all of you practiced for it yesterday. And I was blown away with the confetti that all of you hid in your fists and threw in the middle of the march.

My stupid eyes are crying again. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm just emotionally wrecked now. Maybe it's just a feeling now. But I'm very sure of one thing. 4E3 have a special place in my heart. I love you. Power of E3

Scripts ...

2006-10-08T11:02:00.000+08:00

SCRIPTS

How difficult is it to mark exam scripts?
I mean it's just a 400-500 words essay. And there's only about 200 essays. Besides, it's only 5 different questions.

Underlying assumptions? Your students write well. They know how to spell. They understand what is required in the different text types. They have neat handwriting and they absolutely apply basic grammar rules.

Actual fact? If only most of them would do that. Above and beyond that, you are required to be meticulous with your marking due to some unforseen results last year.

When you can only mark 5-6 scripts in an hour, oh well, you can do your own math and know how many hours is needed to accomplish this seemingly simple feat.

My students are struggling with their papers. I don't think I'm faring any better. Maybe their frustration on having to sit for the exam is translated unto their scripts and therefore teachers are at the suffering end.

Hmmmm, that's not entirely true. Because when they get their results, I guess we know who will have the last laugh.

It's a dilemma we teachers face. If we are too strict in our marking, we are afraid that our students would lose faith in their own abilities. If we are too lenient, we run the risk of inflating their egos and giving them a false perception of what is acceptable for the O levels.

Graduation Day is 5 days away. Even after spending weeks and days planning and buying decorations for the event, there are still heaps waiting to be done. Everything is still in their infancy stage. What a rush it's going to be this coming week.

We are often victims of our own success. After the phenomenal success of Teacher's Day, the Council have to ensure that every subsequent event is up to par, if not better, than the Torch Awards. Being positive, one could only appreciate the pursuit towards excellence and perfection.

But you have to admit that this also put a high level of stress on the Council. And as one of the teachers incharge, I feel it most. I always believe creativity comes to those who are willing to make an effort. Not to mention I serve the Source of all creativity. I just have to press on.

Pardon me if I can't update my blog as often. Work calls. Its knock is consistent and unrelenting.

On a lighter note, I made some hot chocolate at home yesterday and boy was it awesome. Daisy chocolate milk, warmed gradually over a gentle flame with slabs of Lindt Dark Chocolate Thins creates the most satisfying hot chocolate I've ever tasted.

And it's not like those instant hot chocolate mixes that taste worse than Milo. It was satisfying because it's really like hot melted chocolate. Sinfully wicked? Count on it! Alright, stop drooling and do it yourself. You will not regret it.

Just be careful not to burn the chocolate or the milk. Don't leave the pot on the stove as the chocolate melts. Take it off the stove so that the milk will not boil but remains hot enough to melt the chocolate.

Jae the chef? It was one of my unfulfilled ambitions. I still have a few decades to realize that part of my dream.

Button ...

2006-09-17T22:46:00.000+08:00

BUTTON

Lein, thanks for the chocolates. They were fabulous. Now you really got me addicted. I half suspect that chocolates cost as much as drugs. Not solid evidence but I reckon so. So why aren't the police arresting all the chocolates pushers? Is there even a Chocolate Anonymous somewhere?

I received a BIG GIANT bear on Thursday morning! Gosh was I so surprised. It was from a group of FABULOUS students and it was belated birthday gift. The bear is HUGE. It's those which you can hug and feel absolutely completely contented. Sigh.

I told you I teach in Heaven? It's so true. Each day, I go to school and I see wings all around. Wings that carry encouragement to my broken heart. Wings that speak of innocence which I've lost. Wings that believe and hope for the simple things in life and the best in every situation.

I do see stray feathers around the school compound. That could only mean that some of the angels are hurt or have suffered some injustice. Some have their wings clipped either from without or within. Some simply just had a bad day so their feathers are a little ruffled.

What amazes me is their ability to bounce back and appear so ok in a short while. Read a powerful quote this weekend. The harder you fall, the higher you bounce. It's a very apt quote for my situation now. And it's so true. The harder you fall, the greater the energy for you to bounce back. If you don't stay down on the floor.

I felt like I've pressed some self destruct button in my life. The strange thing about humans is that our self destruct button is only the beginning of the end. And it usually takes a long time to reach the state of oblivion.

People don't get addicted to something overnight. People don't become fat overnight. People don't become lazy or indifferent overnight. People don't cheat on their spouses just because they so decide to at that moment. It's a process. It's a journey. You start somewhere and it all culminates into a moment when you realize ... you are too deep in a pit to dig yourself out.

Then you start crawling at the surrounding walls. The dirt gets into your nails and soot gets on your face. You get blisters on your fingers and your hands get calloused. You cry out for help but the dust has made your throat dry and hoarse. Then you get that sinking feeling. You fear being buried alive.

How did I come to this place? When was it that I actually press the button? I can't remember. I can't recall. Nothing comes to mind. Only the darkness of pit and the constant sinking feeling.

There's only one way out of the pit. You need to turn around and move in the other direction. Yet often I feel that I'm so deep, I can no longer see the light. Everywhere I turn, I see the dirt walls of the pit staring back at me.

Self Destruct ... Self Destruct ... Self Destruct ...

Only we have the power and access to that self destruct button. Yet we do not have the power to save ourselves once we pushed it. Because we did not make ourselves. Only the Divine Engineer can over-ride the self destruct code and halt that slide downhill.

Then comes the painful arduous road to recover. Sigh.

Threadbare

2006-09-14T22:06:00.000+08:00

THREADBARE

Sometimes I do feel exploited. It's like I wearing thin and through overusage, I'm wearing myself down. I told Mrs Oh today that life will never be perfect. Just have to learn to move on.

I promise some people that I'll post a decent pic of my workspace and so here it is:

http://www.geocities.com/jaej247/CleanWorkspace.JPG

Also attaching another pic of my cabinet with all the love notes and cards from my students. They are the source of encouragement to me when I find it so hard to move on.

http://www.geocities.com/jaej247/LoveNotes.JPG

Work in school is getting crazy. I have prelims papers to mark, my class work and soon the End Of Year Exams papers will be in. And there is the preparation for the Graduation Day which is less than a month away.

And I have to key in all the comments and strengths of my students. And of course there are a thousand other things waiting to be done.

Mrs Ramos came and had a very good word with me. I really appreciate her presence in the school. She is the epitome of creativity. I've learnt so much from her and the workshops she conducts in school.

More than that, she has a wealth of experience in her profession and she is still not jaded. Not even one bit. She still has the passion, the drive and the motivation to sacrifice for the kids. And she can still keep her sanity.

Anyway she was telling me that I'm in her church's prayer list and I truly appreciate it. And she was also sharing about how she managed to survive all these years in the education industry. She's really like a cactus with beautiful blossoms instead of spikes.

I know I need to start to say no. I cannot do everything. It's always never easy for me to say no. I need to manage my time better and give time to recharge and to recreate. I know I know I know. But when the demand of the job keeps knocking on my door, I will open it because I cannot bear it's pleadful cries. What's wrong with me?

Something wonderful happened today. Will blog about it more tomorrow. If I have the time that is. Will be going for a nice buffet. Had a good time with BBS + 1 gang at KFC. Gosh I'm growing so fat nowadays. Sigh.

Indisposed ...

2006-09-10T11:27:00.000+08:00

INDISPOSED

I seriously don't know what's wrong with me. Am I adding unnecessary stress on myself or something is really wrong with me? Felt so sick for this weekend. Kept running a fever and I feel so lightheaded all the time.

Everytime I get up from my seat or my bed, I feel faint. I'm not a sexist but it's a social stereotype that girls are usually the ones who get fainting spells. I feel weird being afflicted with this malady.

I can't even concentrate on marking my scripts or doing any form of work. That only add more stress to me since I can't clear my workload.

Been crying out for a life saver so that I don't drown in this. Your vision is never tested under a clear sky. But if you can still see well at night or even the details during a storm, you got excellent vision.

That was a metaphor. I must admit I find it hard to see in the dark and it's definitely difficult to see when the rain is pouring and the wind is howling. I'm still learning and still leaning.

To answer the million dollar question, my table was in such a mess because it was reflecting the aftermath of preparing for the Torch Awards 2006. It shows how busy I was that all I could find time for was to dump things on my table(and around it!). I'm serious. Will take another pic to show the space where I work and mark my books. It's not that bad now. I hope. Hahaha!

I don't think I'm ready for school tomorrow. Yet Life never ask whether we are ready or not. It dishes out what it deems right(but it doesn't mean it dishes out the right things). Life will never be perfect because of our inherent human flaws.

Ready or not, we just have to face Life. The difference is WHO is beside us when we are not ready. If your Anchor is firm and sure, then you will not fear even if Life hurls abuses and gravel at you.

Gifts ...

2006-09-06T19:07:00.000+08:00

GIFTS

Shall spend this entry blogging about the gifts I got for Teacher's Day.
In case you are wondering, I did not get alot of gifts. I mean you should have seen some of the teachers' tables! They were literally STACKED with prezzies.

Ok ok too much slang. Anyway it wasn't the volume of the gifts that matters. It's the quality. And this year, I was literally blown away by some of the presents I got. And I don't mean that they are expensive. It's the effort, the thought into preparing the gift and especially some of the words.

Alright without further ado, let's get started.

http://www.geocities.com/jaej247/TcherDay/Workspace.JPG

Now that is my table. Yeah yeah I know it's messy. It's a 'symptom' of the amount of work I do. Why am I showing you that when I'm supposed to be showcasing the gifts I've got? Cause without this messy sight, you will not appreciate the 1st gift.

http://www.geocities.com/jaej247/TcherDay/DisasterArea.JPG

Yeah yeah. Two of the cheekiest gals in school noticed how my table is like a warzone. So they got me this NUCLEAR disaster area sign. Sigh I hate to agree with them but ... it's such an appropriate gift. Hahaha! Can't stand the two of them! And they are graduating soon. Gonna miss them so much. Sigh.

http://www.geocities.com/jaej247/TcherDay/AtiqahBeads.JPG

What's that on my wrist? It's a wrist band made from beads and it's from Atiqah. She wrote me a very beautiful card. Yes Atiqah, I love this very much. Will steal every chance to wear it yeah?

http://www.geocities.com/jaej247/TcherDay/BSBTeefront.JPG
http://www.geocities.com/jaej247/TcherDay/BSBTeeBack.JPG
http://www.geocities.com/jaej247/TcherDay/BSBTeeFaces.JPG

This is from a group of 4 + 1. 4 are the Be-Spectacled Black Shoes aka Dessert Gang. 1 is Liqiang otherwise known as the President of the Individuals Doing Internal Operations To Save CLUB. Work that out yourself. Hahaha! I love the art work on the Tee. You can actually make out the faces of the 4 + 1. Lovely.

http://www.geocities.com/jaej247/TcherDay/Calendar.JPG

This is one of the most unique gifts I got this year. It's a DIY Calendar that is meant for anyone 6 years and above! Hahaha! It's like Lego. You get to decide how to fix your own calendar. I gave it a try this afternoon and ... ahem ... all I can say is I need more practice. I'm not an engineer by profession and my calendar crumbled. Shoooosh!

http://www.geocities.com/jaej247/TcherDay/Cards01.JPG

This is snapshot of all the cards I got. Some of them are so touching that all I could do was just stood there for a long while as the words sank right into my soul. Those words were like fresh rain on my parched soul. Most of them were hand made and I love them.

Even Brian from 1E4 came personally to give me the card he drew for me. I have to admit I was very touched. Aiya, you have to see the card itself (and understand who Brian is) to know the value of that card.

http://www.geocities.com/jaej247/TcherDay/CherylpencilsAnandaCard.JPG

This is really cool. Cheryl got me a set of inspirational pencils! Erm I mean pencils with inspirational quote printed on them. Totally cool! And Ananda made me a bookmark with the quote 'To teach is to learn twice over'. I mean how awesome is that? Hahaha! I sound like a little boy in a candy shop.

http://www.geocities.com/jaej247/TcherDay/Chocolates.JPG

Talking about candies, those are the chocolate treats I got on that day. Mrs Oh went personally to each teacher to give them a Dove Amicelli Stick. That really reflected how sincere she is. She's a fantastic principal. There were some others I think. There was one box of chocolate crunch that I finish on that day itself. Yummy!

http://www.geocities.com/jaej247/TcherDay/GrowOwnBean.JPG

I apologize for the lousy quality of this picture. It's a Grow Your Own Name Bean! I mean how unbelievable is that?!?! So theoretically speaking, if I really plant the seed in the soil, I will see a bean plant with a leaf(I suppose) that has the words 'Best Teacher' on it! I mean ... WOW! Genetic engineering? Hahaha! NOT! But it's still TONS cool!

Oh it's from a group of girls from 4E3! Thanks girls! I'll plant it one day. I'm just afraid that the plant will die on me ... I'll be very heartbroken. Sob sob.

http://www.geocities.com/jaej247/TcherDay/JaeKeyChain01.JPG

I've to admit that I DO NOT KNOW who gave me this. BUT ... and I mean ABSOLUTELY BUT ... I love this gift SO MUCH!!!! It's a personalized handphone accessory and keychain with 'Jae' engraved on them! Whoever you are, if you are reading this, can you please Please PLEASE identify yourself!!!

http://www.geocities.com/jaej247/TcherDay/OliviaCupTwin.JPG

Olivia gave me a super cute boyish cup. What's amazing is that I had the same cup last year too! So now, I have a pair of twins on my table!!! I wonder which is the evil one! Hahaha!

http://www.geocities.com/jaej247/TcherDay/SamanthaCup01.JPG
http://www.geocities.com/jaej247/TcherDay/SamanthaCup02.JPG

Samantha from 3E3 bought a plain white cup and took it upon herself to decorate it. So what you are seeing are both sides of her creativity and artistic talent! Hahaha! Thank girl for the effort. I know you were very busy with everything that's going on in your life so I appreciate the time and effort. Thanks! [wink]

Ok it is at this point that I remember that I forgot to take a picture of a cactus from 3E3 presented to me by Gladys and gang. It's a bright orange cactus and the message is for me to stay as strong as the cactus. Hmmmm question. What if the cactus withers and die? Am I to end my life as well??? Anyone with a satisfactory answer?

http://www.geocities.com/jaej247/TcherDay/SecretaryGift.JPG

From my ever super efficient Secretary. Message is ... need I say more? Just read the cushion! Hahaha! There was also a love note and plenty of kisses! Whooosh! Don't let your imagination run wild. There were physical kisses but we were not even beside each other. Hahaha! Figure that out. (Clue: Go back to one of the previous pictures)

http://www.geocities.com/jaej247/TcherDay/Geniegifts.JPG
http://www.geocities.com/jaej247/TcherDay/Genieremediesnotes.JPG

This is the most touching and memorable gift this year. Genie gave me a card, a bottle and a silly card to say that she has nominated me for the Junyuan Hunk for Torch Awards 2006.

2 years back, I gave her a bottle of Kickapoo because she was feeling bottled up. I just wanted her to drink some joy juice and don't feel so bottled up. By opening a bottle of Kickapoo? Ok it's corny but it worked.

Last year, I gave a tiny bottle with some water inside it. I labelled the bottle 'Genie's Tears'. I wrote her a note to encourage her and to tell her that her tears are never in vain. I always believe God stores up our tears in heaven and I shared with her a personal vision of mine. And I'm not telling it here. Such a teaser.

Anyway, she brought me a BIGGER bottle and labelled it 'Mr Jae's Sweat'. Hahaha! And the girl actually went to wrap up those herbal sweets and labelled them 'Genie's Remedies'. How ORIGINAL is that? Hahaha! And inside the bottle are notes about the history of Genie and Jae. Gosh, suddenly I feel like crying.

Thanks girl. I was so stunned at your gesture that I stood rooted for the longest moment. And I was thrilled for the entire day. I don't think I'll forget this, ever.

Oh well, that's about it. If I forgot to mention your gift, please don't be angry with me! Hahaha! My memory is really failing me. Whatever it is, I thank all my awesome students for the encouragement and the love. You really do not know how much this means to me. Thanks.

Sleep ...

2006-09-03T23:10:00.000+08:00

SLEEP

I never knew how tired I was from all the exertion. Since Thursday, I've been sleeping almost entire days away. Being out only for a short while. In fact, for the past four days, I've been out of the house for less than 8 hours.

The rest of the time? I've been mostly sleeping. And I still feel so drowsy. Just feel so lethargic and exhausted. It's like I need a million years of sleep to recuperate.

There's a constant fear that I'm suffering a relapse. I don't feel very well and my whole body is raking with pains and aches. My headaches are coming back with such vengence and I keep having fainting spells and nauseous urges.

Sleep never seems to be enough for me these past days. Kept sleeping and feeling sleepy and wanting to sleep more. Sigh. I hope my body is recuperating.

Tomorrow I'll finally get to open my Teacher's Day gifts and read my my cards. Was so tired on Thursday that I just left them lying around my place. Sigh. I don't even know what's becoming of me.

There will be no holiday I think for me this week. The only day that I might not be going back to school would be Tuesday. Other that, I'm probably going back for makeup lessons and Napfa Retest.

Delaila wrote something beautiful for me. Felt extremely touched when I read her words. I believe she paid me too much credit. Go to http://eternalxembrace.blogspot.com/ to take a look.

I just hope I can recover in time for the new term. New challenges ahead in the new term. And I have so much backlog in my work. I mean they really mean it when they say work can never be finished when you are in teaching.

I'm trying to break down the walls. The man who moves mountain does so by moving one stone at a time. And I'm doing one brick by one brick at a time.